Dan & Phil Part 99: OnlyPhans

[fruitcriminals]

Re Adrian - can't comment on 'everyone' not liking him, I don't dislike him as I know little of him, I just note that Dan has never seemed particularly close, especially in contrast to his relationship with Phil's brother (hence my rather flippant comment). Was more of a joke than anything else. You probably can't actually not invite your own brother to your wedding (can you? I don't have one).

On the day Lockdown Lads stereo 1 was on, I had seen some photos on Insta from a couple I know. They got married in lockdown I think maybe last August or September. Gay couple, were out to some people but not everyone. They are both in their early 40's. They had a small ceremony after I guess realising that life's too short, make yourself happy. So when I heard this it made me me question:

Dan: What story are you trying to tell? Is it the one that I think you're going to tell?
Phil: Yeah, well I don't know, which- what story do you think I'm going to tell?
Dan: Well I was about to say something, and then I was like, "No." But then you started talking, and I'm like, "Are we going there?"
Phil: Well it’s not, it’s not- What I'm saying is, we had to go somewhere for a business thing, a biz thing, and we got a taxi

Now *obviously* this was before last night's chat, and it was probably a business thing as mentioned. But I'd been looking at gay wedding photos that day anyway and I am sappy af all day every day. So I did wonder if they'd done it in lockdown even if just for ease of house deed documentation/mortgage etc.

So that's why I was rather shook about him even mentioning marriage at all yesterday.

Realistically whatever is going on in dnp land, they seem happy which is lovely to see.

[alittledizzy]

Re Adrian - can't comment on 'everyone' not liking him, I don't dislike him as I know little of him, I just note that Dan has never seemed particularly close, especially in contrast to his relationship with Phil's brother (hence my rather flippant comment). Was more of a joke than anything else. You probably can't actually not invite your own brother to your wedding (can you? I don't have one).

If anyone wants more insight onto people's opinions of Adrian, he's actually got his own thread in the Other section! (As does Cornelia, if anyone wants to go chat about her.)

[Amiaw]

Phil talks about a lot of things in these live shows that I wish he’d either make into a video or just talk to us more about. I’d love more art videos or something where he talks about all of his trashy tastes because I feel like he’d have really funny opinions about the shows he watches and I need to hear them.

Also the last where they talked about parties was interesting because it’s always seemed like Dan had more casual acquaintances/friends when it came to other youtubers and it makes sense when Phil just leaves when he’s done that some people might think he’s aloof.

[kavat]

Also the last where they talked about parties was interesting because it’s always seemed like Dan had more casual acquaintances/friends when it came to other youtubers and it makes sense when Phil just leaves when he’s done that some people might think he’s aloof.

Except for that one time when Dan went home early to edit a video and Phil stayed at the party to do flaming shots with the Albon twins

[Thestubborn]

All this talk of marriage really threw us off the key quote of today's show:

"dan and phil: we're not into slits."

Did they really say that? I didn’t watch the show , but if they did say that and they were referring to women then that’s misogynistic and very disappointing. They can express their gayness I love it, but they should not use derogatory words against women !!! If this quote is taken out of context and it’s not about women ignore this post lol .

Also hello, this is my first post .

[liola]

The marriage talk threw us all off but i think I agree with rizzo that most of it is just Dan putting his foot in his own mouth. That's always been Dan in a liveshow setting, he rambles and goes on tangent on his own and then tries to overcompensate when he remembers he's live and a lot of times accomplishes the opposite of what he's trying to achieve. I think like most long lasting couples they have talked about marriage and they might want it or they might not. I always take Cristine and Ben as an example when something along the lines happen, they for example don't care about marriage, so Dan and Phil might be on the same boat. Hell martyn and cornelia aren't married and they have a baby.

It might be control issue, it might be fear of commitment, it might be anything but i think the reality is that Dan talked about it in response to fandom speculations on twitter. We know they see a lot of what the fandom says, after all.

I'm more interested in discussing the fact that Dan is Not an introvert as he would like to make us think. He truly said he feels the need to be social every two weeks?? I'm generalizing sure but that doesn't sound introvert to me. I can go a couple of months without feeling like i need to see anyone and i live completely on my own. Stop lying to yourself Dan!

[alittledizzy]

All this talk of marriage really threw us off the key quote of today's show:

"dan and phil: we're not into slits."

Did they really say that? I didn’t watch the show , but if they did say that and they were referring to women then that’s misogynistic and very disappointing. They can express their gayness I love it, but they should not use derogatory words against women !!! If this quote is taken out of context and it’s not about women ignore this post lol .

Also hello, this is my first post .

Welcome!!

They were talking about blinds, they prefer their blinds half slitted not full slit but have neighbors that keep their blinds fully open. Dan started laughing at the way Phil said it, clearly hearing a sexual innuendo, but the full quote is, "I don't like these neighbors because we respectfully keep our blinds closed all the time, on half-slit. You know Dan and Phil, we're not into slits. We like it to be fully closed."

[Kurapika]

dan's therapist does a good job with selfknowleadge, but is awful at coming up with ways to deal with the shit that comes up. dan's got a rule of "i'm like this i'll never change" but maybe if he changed, he'd be happier.

and phil is such a wealthy kid. omg. i knew it, but i did never know as much as i known it now. he is so fucking spoiled.

this is the thing that bothers me so much about dan because it's such a bad take on mental health. it drives me mad.

it drives me fucking maaaaaaaaad! i mean, YES acceptance is important, self knowledge is key to a better life and it's good that he can recognize the things about him that make his life harder but.....the thing about mental health is first you have to know it and then change it if it isn't good for you. the "this is real this is me i'm never changing even if i'm miserable bc this is ME" is bs

(also omg i swear i'm better at talking about mental health stuff in portuguese, i sound like a child in english but i actually study this lmao)

[obvsly]

All this talk of marriage really threw us off the key quote of today's show:

"dan and phil: we're not into slits."

Did they really say that? I didn’t watch the show , but if they did say that and they were referring to women then that’s misogynistic and very disappointing. They can express their gayness I love it, but they should not use derogatory words against women !!! If this quote is taken out of context and it’s not about women ignore this post lol .

Also hello, this is my first post .

Welcome! Re: the word slits, I think it’s both taken out of context and a joke taken a bit too far, from which they tried to move on straight away.

They were talking about a new neighbor who left curtains fully open all the time. Then they discussed how the respectful way should be partially open at half slits. Phil didn’t catch what he was saying for the longest time then when he finally caught it, he played another audio message to try and change the subject. It was sidetracked for a bit before Dan came back to the neighbor issue with a serious tone, followed by what Rizzo quoted.

To me, there’s no doubt that Dan, and later, Phil, knew how it could imply to women. And they laughed about it in the “another questionable thing Phil Lester accidentally said in 2021” way. Not in a derogatory way definitely in my opinion. I myself didn’t know it’s derogatory; I just thought when I heard it live that oh these idiots made another innuendo.

Edited: didn’t see that dizzy was faster than me lol oh well I’m leaving it anyway

[inanerat]

I also want to say there were so many other things in that Stereo show that were interesting to be beside the marriage bit (I understand the interest, but I personally get a bit fatigued by the romantic idealization sometimes). Dan just threw out there the mention of a two-hour stage show! Phil went on an obsessive quest for the perfect profile picture! Multiple Bryony mentions!

Some, especially Phil's profile pic thing! I would really love to know what all goes through Phil's mind when he gets in that space, 'cause it seems like it happens a lot that he is very self-critical, especially of photos of himself, selfies even more so. Like going through not only all his pictures on his current phone but going back to old ones? I wonder at that point how much of it was just going on a old picture adventure and not actually looking for a potential profile pic, since I can't see him using anything pre-quiff. I also wonder if that old 2007 pic he posted in his story a few days ago surfaced through this picture quest. Also I really hope the boomer karen comment/discussion/following meming didn't cause some of this because like :/. That conversation felt like it was a little more raw an uncomfy for Phil and maybe that didn't hit for everyone. Good bants requires paying attention for when things go too far and repairing/backing off.

I mean I too hate looking at pictures of myself and basically never have my own face as a profile picture, but I get away with it because I'm not a public figure who's face is prominent in my work and presence. Makes me feel for him a bit.

Also with Dan's 'save me from my mind' comment, I think these shows have been really interesting insight into how both of them really pull each other out of rigid thinking spirals sometimes. Both Phil getting Dan to just do things sometimes and Dan getting Phil to put a brake on his anxious/catastrophizing thoughts. It makes me glad that they have each other's support and trust. Like having someone you trust and you know isn't making fun of you or putting you down just say 'you're being ridiculous right now, you are overthinking this, stop.' is sometimes really helpful and important with anxious thoughts especially.

Edit: also Phil used the phrase 'in depth' twiCE during the show yesterday

[casualsun]

I'm more interested in discussing the fact that Dan is Not an introvert as he would like to make us think. He truly said he feels the need to be social every two weeks?? I'm generalizing sure but that doesn't sound introvert to me. I can go a couple of months without feeling like i need to see anyone and i live completely on my own. Stop lying to yourself Dan!

I think there are varying levels of introvert! I’m definitely an introvert and i feel the need to be social every single day lol. I just can’t handle socialization for long periods of time.

I used to get the sense that dan and phil exaggerated their introvert levels, and i still think that’s true to a degree. They are definitely homebodies but they do enjoy being social.

[alittledizzy]

I'm more interested in discussing the fact that Dan is Not an introvert as he would like to make us think. He truly said he feels the need to be social every two weeks?? I'm generalizing sure but that doesn't sound introvert to me. I can go a couple of months without feeling like i need to see anyone and i live completely on my own. Stop lying to yourself Dan!

I think there are varying levels of introvert! I’m definitely an introvert and i feel the need to be social every single day lol. I just can’t handle socialization for long periods of time.

I used to get the sense that dan and phil exaggerated their introvert levels, and i still think that’s true to a degree. They are definitely homebodies but they do enjoy being social.

I found that interesting too, but I also think it does kinda fit with what we know about Dan and Phil. Dan IS undoubtedly always more comfortable in public situations than Phil is. He's a better public speaker and more comfortable with it. He's the one that can show up to a speaking event and pull it off, whereas we know Phil doesn't like doing that at all. We also know that Dan is the one who cares a little bit more about what other people think of him - his whole quality threshold and how he used to reference audiences outside of the fore fandom. I fully believe that he prefers spending his time inside alone/with Phil but it also kinda clicks for me that he does occasionally want to be that social butterfly.

[shan]

I'm more interested in discussing the fact that Dan is Not an introvert as he would like to make us think. He truly said he feels the need to be social every two weeks?? I'm generalizing sure but that doesn't sound introvert to me. I can go a couple of months without feeling like i need to see anyone and i live completely on my own. Stop lying to yourself Dan!

I can't remember when it was said but before the II era they both mentioned being in the middle of the introvert/extravert spectrum. The insistence that they're full introverts only seems to have kicked in after they named the tour but they definitely don't fit it from my experience either. I'm happy just chilling out with my cat until the next required social event.

Re the slit comment, the context has already been explained by alittledizzy and obvsly but I would like to add that I don't think it would be a misogynistic comment if the joke was taken at face value either. Two gay men saying they don't like vagina is just a fact, it's not saying they don't like women. Just like I don't think it would be sexist for a lesbian to say they don't like penis.

[Amiaw]

I also want to say there were so many other things in that Stereo show that were interesting to be beside the marriage bit (I understand the interest, but I personally get a bit fatigued by the romantic idealization sometimes). Dan just threw out there the mention of a two-hour stage show! Phil went on an obsessive quest for the perfect profile picture! Multiple Bryony mentions!

Some, especially Phil's profile pic thing! I would really love to know what all goes through Phil's mind when he gets in that space, 'cause it seems like it happens a lot that he is very self-critical, especially of photos of himself, selfies even more so. Like going through not only all his pictures on his current phone but going back to old ones? I wonder at that point how much of it was just going on a old picture adventure and not actually looking for a potential profile pic, since I can't see him using anything pre-quiff. I also wonder if that old 2007 pic he posted in his story a few days ago surfaced through this picture quest. Also I really hope the boomer karen comment/discussion/following meming didn't cause some of this because like :/. That conversation felt like it was a little more raw an uncomfy for Phil and maybe that didn't hit for everyone. Good bants requires paying attention for when things go too far and repairing/backing off.

He does seem sensitive about aging so I think that was a genuine response and I felt bad that so many people went to his Instagram right after that live to leave ‘boomer Phil’ comments on them
I think that’s probably connected to the viewer pick my outfits videos and his feelings about his hair too. I hope he didn’t see that tweet about his maid costume that had over 1000 replies mocking him but he probably did and it must get to him having so many people pick apart his appearance all the time

Off topic of appearance/aging I also noticed that comment on a previous show about the YouTube algorithm and I think that’s probably one of the shadier things Phil’s ever said about YouTube.

If anything I know dan says more words so sure there’s probably more people could pick to talk about but Phil drops some genuine things into these conversations that have been pretty insightful

[alien]

dan's therapist does a good job with selfknowleadge, but is awful at coming up with ways to deal with the shit that comes up. dan's got a rule of "i'm like this i'll never change" but maybe if he changed, he'd be happier.

and phil is such a wealthy kid. omg. i knew it, but i did never know as much as i known it now. he is so fucking spoiled.

this is the thing that bothers me so much about dan because it's such a bad take on mental health. it drives me mad.

it drives me fucking maaaaaaaaad! i mean, YES acceptance is important, self knowledge is key to a better life and it's good that he can recognize the things about him that make his life harder but.....the thing about mental health is first you have to know it and then change it if it isn't good for you. the "this is real this is me i'm never changing even if i'm miserable bc this is ME" is bs

(also omg i swear i'm better at talking about mental health stuff in portuguese, i sound like a child in english but i actually study this lmao)

your english is perfect! but i can imagine it is more comfortable to express yourself in your native language.

i really hope that this is just one of dan's exaggerations that he falls into and that his book actually addresses it fully. because right now it is not a good look imo and i'd love to hear from people who don't see it as a problem.

Re the slit comment, the context has already been explained by alittledizzy and obvsly but I would like to add that I don't think it would be a misogynistic comment if the joke was taken at face value either. Two gay men saying they don't like vagina is just a fact, it's not saying they don't like women. Just like I don't think it would be sexist for a lesbian to say they don't like penis.

this is one of those conversations that is obviously reflected by each person's individual lived experience because i actually find it very offensive and is dehumanizing to be reduced to ones genitals. i know the above is a popular opinion though and have seen many conversations and nuances of it. it also feels a bit transphobic to me since there are men with vaginas and women with penises out in the world. but im also not going to tell people they have to love a certain set of genitals to be valid it just has always seemed weird to focus on.

do i personally think dnp were intentionally being gross - of course not. but it is one of those things that doesn't hurt to be careful of even in ~comedy.

[kavat]

Yeah, not to be obvious but I do believe they actually are Interactive Introverts, more commonly known as a social introvert. I'm the same, I love social interaction, but it drains me and I need to be alone to rest afterwards. And different people definitely takes different amount of energy, like how they never seem to need a break from each other because that just doesn't count as social interaction.

[starsandshards]

dan's therapist does a good job with selfknowleadge, but is awful at coming up with ways to deal with the shit that comes up. dan's got a rule of "i'm like this i'll never change" but maybe if he changed, he'd be happier.

and phil is such a wealthy kid. omg. i knew it, but i did never know as much as i known it now. he is so fucking spoiled.

this is the thing that bothers me so much about dan because it's such a bad take on mental health. it drives me mad.

it drives me fucking maaaaaaaaad! i mean, YES acceptance is important, self knowledge is key to a better life and it's good that he can recognize the things about him that make his life harder but.....the thing about mental health is first you have to know it and then change it if it isn't good for you. the "this is real this is me i'm never changing even if i'm miserable bc this is ME" is bs

(also omg i swear i'm better at talking about mental health stuff in portuguese, i sound like a child in english but i actually study this lmao)

i feel like he's already gone through it with his therapist and is just finding it difficult to reconcile his new changed better mental health state-self with the persona he's cultivated after so many years. maybe it will filter through to our collective consciousness in the near future like a lot of other things that we have started to slowly become aware of.

[shan]

Re the slit comment, the context has already been explained by alittledizzy and obvsly but I would like to add that I don't think it would be a misogynistic comment if the joke was taken at face value either. Two gay men saying they don't like vagina is just a fact, it's not saying they don't like women. Just like I don't think it would be sexist for a lesbian to say they don't like penis.

this is one of those conversations that is obviously reflected by each person's individual lived experience because i actually find it very offensive and is dehumanizing to be reduced to ones genitals. i know the above is a popular opinion though and have seen many conversations and nuances of it. it also feels a bit transphobic to me since there are men with vaginas and women with penises out in the world. but im also not going to tell people they have to love a certain set of genitals to be valid it just has always seemed weird to focus on.

do i personally think dnp were intentionally being gross - of course not. but it is one of those things that doesn't hurt to be careful of even in ~comedy.

Gah, it ate my first attempt at this post so this is take two.

I understand where you're coming from but, without trying to get too controversial, the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual, so a comment about not liking vagina is just kind of stating the obvious? I don't think the statement in the context it was put is transphobic but I can see how it could be if said in a certain way.

People are obviously more than their genitals but, in general, I think the media we consume desensitises us to mention of these things as it's so mainstream and common that it's barely noticeable unless you are already sensitive to the topic. Thinking back, RPDR UK last night was basically all about dick and it barely registered with me until now. I'll be the first to admit that, despite being a supporter of trans rights, my knowledge of trans issues is not top notch. It's something a lot of us are learning as we go along and maybe this will be the next thing we cringe about looking back in 5 years.

[lefthandedism]

I understand where you're coming from but, without trying to get too controversial, the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual, so a comment about not liking vagina is just kind of stating the obvious? I don't think the statement in the context it was put is transphobic but I can see how it could be if said in a certain way.

To be really picky, in BIG, Dan labels himself as queer as well as gay.

And, a label is a label is a label, and how a person feels is how they feel, regardless of any label they've chosen. Maybe Dan is gay yet there are moments when he likes vagina. Who knows.

All that being said, I'd be perfectly happy if Deppy steered away from jokes about female genitalia. Even "lady door" I don't find particularly funny. But that's my personal preference.

[Levitating]

I understand where you're coming from but, without trying to get too controversial, the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual

Definitely! They are gay!

But mostly, I understand you are upset, but please: Dan has marched with a transgender organisation at Pride.
How can you possibly say they were (however unintentionally) transphobic It is totally the opposite and by its own definition, the trans gender community is a minority. If I had to learn how to "respect" every societal minority, I would never be able to speak without being called a -phobic.
Because it is totally not.

They have expressed their support and they are educating themselves, which is the totally opposite of what a person discriminating others do. It's totally a stretch to call transphobic the lack of knowledge of a minority (meaning, less mainstream knowledge being spread because most people are not so the learning time is focused on other things between surviving life&bills) from someone who has already expressed and executed support

[liola]

I think it's up to personal experience and preference. I don't mind the vagina jokes, considering i make dick jokes all the time. And they definitely didn't mean that joke as "we don't like vagina because we're gay and vaginas=women only" because they're educated enough to know better than imply genitals has anything to do with gender and/or sexuality, just like they've proved in the past. It was just an innuendo without meaning to it taken out of context of a conversation about blinds of all things lmao

But even if they meant that they don't like vaginas.. i mean, so what. Genitalia preference is valid and i understand the debate of being dehumanizing but at the same time some things you're just not into and preferences are what makes us humans idk it's an issue with too many layers that i think shouldn't be debated in regards of dnp in particular

[obvsly]

Yeah, I’m gonna sum up my opinion on this as I don’t think it’s transphobic or misogynistic at all in intent; but I do think it’s in poor taste and I appreciate Phil for trying to change the topic quickly. I also think it’s the one instance where he should’ve said Stop It in that stern tone of his to Dan. That’s all.

[alien]

Re the slit comment, the context has already been explained by alittledizzy and obvsly but I would like to add that I don't think it would be a misogynistic comment if the joke was taken at face value either. Two gay men saying they don't like vagina is just a fact, it's not saying they don't like women. Just like I don't think it would be sexist for a lesbian to say they don't like penis.

this is one of those conversations that is obviously reflected by each person's individual lived experience because i actually find it very offensive and is dehumanizing to be reduced to ones genitals. i know the above is a popular opinion though and have seen many conversations and nuances of it. it also feels a bit transphobic to me since there are men with vaginas and women with penises out in the world. but im also not going to tell people they have to love a certain set of genitals to be valid it just has always seemed weird to focus on.

do i personally think dnp were intentionally being gross - of course not. but it is one of those things that doesn't hurt to be careful of even in ~comedy.

Gah, it ate my first attempt at this post so this is take two.

I understand where you're coming from but, without trying to get too controversial, the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual, so a comment about not liking vagina is just kind of stating the obvious? I don't think the statement in the context it was put is transphobic but I can see how it could be if said in a certain way.

People are obviously more than their genitals but, in general, I think the media we consume desensitises us to mention of these things as it's so mainstream and common that it's barely noticeable unless you are already sensitive to the topic. Thinking back, RPDR UK last night was basically all about dick and it barely registered with me until now. I'll be the first to admit that, despite being a supporter of trans rights, my knowledge of trans issues is not top notch. It's something a lot of us are learning as we go along and maybe this will be the next thing we cringe about looking back in 5 years.

"the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual, so a comment about not liking vagina is just kind of stating the obvious?"
don't really know what pansexuality has to do with anything because i hope you're not saying that only pan people are attracted to trans people?

dan and phil are gay and that's great and if their attraction to men hinges on penises then whatever i guess.

as trans people we're allowed to be like hey this is kinda hurtful and i would hope that cis people (including dan and phil who, like levitating reminded, have supported trans people in the past) would pause and listen instead of just being like well this is how it's always been get over it.

and im going to reiterate, no i dont think dan and phil are ever intentionally gross about this sort of thing though i hope for a future where trans people are taken seriously.

anyway, im not the best with words or a great debater so i'm done. i dont feel particularly comfortable or safe here right now so i'm gonna go take care of myself.

[Kurapika]

I understand where you're coming from but, without trying to get too controversial, the sexuality they have both publicly stated is gay, not pansexual, so a comment about not liking vagina is just kind of stating the obvious? I don't think the statement in the context it was put is transphobic but I can see how it could be if said in a certain way.

To be really picky, in BIG, Dan labels himself as queer as well as gay.

To be really, really picky, Dan labels himself as queer and right after it says that he is scared of labeling himself as gay because of his internalized homophobia. And then he says he has to just face the facts and say "I'm gay" despite being scared of it. To me it sounds like he likes using the term queer because it's doesn't scare him as much. Since then, he has only said gay, I think.

[anna_begins]

I watched the WandaVision finale, putting some thoughts about it and Dan in spoilers (just in case)

So the show deals about loving and losing, and the last episode was heartbreaking to say the least when Wanda has to get rid of the walls she built to protect her from facing grief. I found it very relevant to Dan talking about commitment/abandonment and worrying about loving something too much. I wonder if the conclusion will help Dan or make him feel like "see, this is why I'm scared to get too attached." Maybe it won't affect him at all, but I doubt it based on the story we were told about his reaction to that anime.

They were talking about blinds, they prefer their blinds half slitted not full slit but have neighbors that keep their blinds fully open. Dan started laughing at the way Phil said it, clearly hearing a sexual innuendo, but the full quote is, "I don't like these neighbors because we respectfully keep our blinds closed all the time, on half-slit. You know Dan and Phil, we're not into slits. We like it to be fully closed."

When Phil said "slit" I have to admit my mind went straight to Rip the Slit, a song on Arca's latest album (cw: lyrics may be triggering to some) and I just knew Dan's would too so I was expecting the joke and quite honestly would have been a bit disappointed if he didn't make it. Of course that's just me & I don't associate genitals with gender so it doesn't seem derogatory/misogynistic/transphoibc but ymmv.

To be really, really picky, Dan labels himself as queer and right after it says that he is scared of labeling himself as gay because of his internalized homophobia. And then he says he has to just face the facts and say "I'm gay" despite being scared of it. To me it sounds like he likes using the term queer because it's doesn't scare him as much. Since then, he has only said gay, I think.

Phil referred to both of them as queer in the CAH video and Dan used the word queer (and gay) to describe himself in the Attitude interview.