Intro Banter
P: The land of money that smells like maple syrup.
D: Yes, that's [??]. Honestly, what's up with that though, because that's really weird.
P: Yeah. I was - I was really tempted to lick it until I realized it's been in like seventeen people's pockets before me.
D: That's how you get every disease at the same time. It's the land of money that smells like maple syrup and Drake, the only thing anyone cares about. You could say that I'm running through the six with my hoe. So we're having a... [??] Don't know what that's implying.
P: Sadly, we didn't get to go to a game this time, though.
D: No.
P: [singing] Lets go Blue Jays! I've seen one game, that's the only thing I remember.
D: If you're wondering why Phil is violently shaking this evening, more importantly, it's because we didn't go to a baseball game but we did go to a Tim Hortons.
P: We did!
D: I mean - it's appreciating your culture right there.
P: The true Canadian culture.
D: A double double, what the hell is that about?
P: I know!
D: Because when you add two sugars and two creams - it's very American, actually.
P: It was.
D: How do you feel right now?
P: I'm feeling very zazzed.
D: He's not messing about, people.
P: But I did like it. I'm a convert to Tim Hortons.
D: And maybe it'll come back up some time during the show. Could happen.
D: Yes, that's [??]. Honestly, what's up with that though, because that's really weird.
P: Yeah. I was - I was really tempted to lick it until I realized it's been in like seventeen people's pockets before me.
D: That's how you get every disease at the same time. It's the land of money that smells like maple syrup and Drake, the only thing anyone cares about. You could say that I'm running through the six with my hoe. So we're having a... [??] Don't know what that's implying.
P: Sadly, we didn't get to go to a game this time, though.
D: No.
P: [singing] Lets go Blue Jays! I've seen one game, that's the only thing I remember.
D: If you're wondering why Phil is violently shaking this evening, more importantly, it's because we didn't go to a baseball game but we did go to a Tim Hortons.
P: We did!
D: I mean - it's appreciating your culture right there.
P: The true Canadian culture.
D: A double double, what the hell is that about?
P: I know!
D: Because when you add two sugars and two creams - it's very American, actually.
P: It was.
D: How do you feel right now?
P: I'm feeling very zazzed.
D: He's not messing about, people.
P: But I did like it. I'm a convert to Tim Hortons.
D: And maybe it'll come back up some time during the show. Could happen.
Phil's question: What does Phil dream about at night?
- being chased by cheese
P: Oh my gosh!
D: Literally just like a block of cheddar chasing him down the street.
P: My actual worst nightmare.
D: [mocking Phil] I'm lactose intolerant!
P: Leave me alone!
D: That would explain a lot, actually.
P: I think it would.
- the ultimate cereal heist
D: Yeah. Yeah!
P: Now we're talking.
D: Phil is a cereal klepto, okay. There isn't a Crunchy Nut bowl that he wouldn't snatch out from any of your faces.
P: You just need to get better at hiding it, Dan.
D: Yes. The problem is I don't hide my own cereal well enough. Right.
P: It is.
- being probed by an alien
D: Now is that a nightmare or a good dream?
P: I mean -
D: What are we saying here?
P: It-
D: Phil dreams about being probed.
P: I could get alien pregnant like Dil did.
D: That is the mpreg plot twist that nobody wanted from our lives.
Phil's chosen answer: the ultimate cereal heist
Dan's question: What is hidden in Dan's browsing history?
- fursuits near me
D: There it is, thank you Ryan, been here for like five minutes - the first furry joke, wow.
P: Yeah.
D: I love that it's 'fursuits near me' as well. I need to find those craigslist fursuits, use.
P: [actually surprised laughing]
- all the whisks
D: Oh my god! No. If you know what that's referring to: NO. If you don't know what that's referring to: even bigger NO. Lets just please let me live.
P: Can we please let that go.
- sexy Shrek fanfic
P: What does that mean?
D: That is the worst sentence my eyes have ever seen right there.
P: Oh my gosh.
D: It was a steamy day in the swamp...
P: No!
D: Shrek came in wearng just a cloth. [Shrek voice] You wanna see my layers?
P: Dan! Oh my gosh.
D: Follow me on wattpad. I'm donkey1982.
Dan's chosen answer: fursuits near me
Joint Dan and Phil question: If they released a fragrance, what would it be called?
- eau du antisocial
D: What does that smell of?
P: I don't know.
D: The smell of the crumbs that fall in your laptop and stale air.
P: Ughh.
D: Spray it on yourself.
- flowers and death
D: Oh my god. That's so appropriate.
P: Does that mean I'm the flowers?
D: And I'm the rotting corpse, yes. Okay.
- two sweaty rats
D: Okay. That's cute.
P: Oh my gosh!
D: Wow I love our supportive audience.
P: I thought we established that you were the rat.
D: Really? Okay.
Their chosen answer: two sweaty rats
- being chased by cheese
P: Oh my gosh!
D: Literally just like a block of cheddar chasing him down the street.
P: My actual worst nightmare.
D: [mocking Phil] I'm lactose intolerant!
P: Leave me alone!
D: That would explain a lot, actually.
P: I think it would.
- the ultimate cereal heist
D: Yeah. Yeah!
P: Now we're talking.
D: Phil is a cereal klepto, okay. There isn't a Crunchy Nut bowl that he wouldn't snatch out from any of your faces.
P: You just need to get better at hiding it, Dan.
D: Yes. The problem is I don't hide my own cereal well enough. Right.
P: It is.
- being probed by an alien
D: Now is that a nightmare or a good dream?
P: I mean -
D: What are we saying here?
P: It-
D: Phil dreams about being probed.
P: I could get alien pregnant like Dil did.
D: That is the mpreg plot twist that nobody wanted from our lives.
Phil's chosen answer: the ultimate cereal heist
Dan's question: What is hidden in Dan's browsing history?
- fursuits near me
D: There it is, thank you Ryan, been here for like five minutes - the first furry joke, wow.
P: Yeah.
D: I love that it's 'fursuits near me' as well. I need to find those craigslist fursuits, use.
P: [actually surprised laughing]
- all the whisks
D: Oh my god! No. If you know what that's referring to: NO. If you don't know what that's referring to: even bigger NO. Lets just please let me live.
P: Can we please let that go.
- sexy Shrek fanfic
P: What does that mean?
D: That is the worst sentence my eyes have ever seen right there.
P: Oh my gosh.
D: It was a steamy day in the swamp...
P: No!
D: Shrek came in wearng just a cloth. [Shrek voice] You wanna see my layers?
P: Dan! Oh my gosh.
D: Follow me on wattpad. I'm donkey1982.
Dan's chosen answer: fursuits near me
Joint Dan and Phil question: If they released a fragrance, what would it be called?
- eau du antisocial
D: What does that smell of?
P: I don't know.
D: The smell of the crumbs that fall in your laptop and stale air.
P: Ughh.
D: Spray it on yourself.
- flowers and death
D: Oh my god. That's so appropriate.
P: Does that mean I'm the flowers?
D: And I'm the rotting corpse, yes. Okay.
- two sweaty rats
D: Okay. That's cute.
P: Oh my gosh!
D: Wow I love our supportive audience.
P: I thought we established that you were the rat.
D: Really? Okay.
Their chosen answer: two sweaty rats
- dan's straighteners
- phil's pee glasses
- cereal that dan has confiscated from phil
- phil's pee glasses
- cereal that dan has confiscated from phil
Wholesome Howell and X-Rated Lester
Dan - anime (it's better than real life)
Phil - freshly baked cookies (what if it's a cookie full of knives)
Dan - granddad reading your wattpad (bridge the generational gap)
Phil - infinite tiny animals (what animals are they? tiny bees and you breathe them in and they sting your brain)
Dan - the earth exploding (humanity is the worst thing about earth)
Phil - fast wifi (fbi boosted it to watch you through your webcam)
Phil - freshly baked cookies (what if it's a cookie full of knives)
Dan - granddad reading your wattpad (bridge the generational gap)
Phil - infinite tiny animals (what animals are they? tiny bees and you breathe them in and they sting your brain)
Dan - the earth exploding (humanity is the worst thing about earth)
Phil - fast wifi (fbi boosted it to watch you through your webcam)
Psychic Connections round - word: school supplies
P: scissors
D: pencil
Dan, Phil, or a Rat
(Phil gets it wrong, Dan gets it wrong)
Dan and Phil Dilemmas
Dan's dilemma: Phil gets a hundred million dollars [insert double plane joke] but Dan has to have square hair forever.
D: Okay. In case you didn't realize, in 2011 I did have officially the world's worst hair in the entire universe.
P: He did.
D: I was an actual square. Are you saying - would that haircut be with a hundred million dollars?
P: Would it?
D: I mean, it depends, Phil - if we're taking this seriously. Would you actually make a double plane or would you-
P: I would.
D: Really?
P: Are you gonna give me the money or not?
D: Okay based on this I cannot trust you, I would not give you the money.
P: Bad friend! [buzzes him]
Phil's dilemma: Dan is wrongly put in jail for five years, but to save him Phil has to eat your own hand.
P: What the hell?
D: Bella! What the hell is wrong with you, Bella!
P: That's like Saw. I'm not gonna eat my own hand!
D: Phil, would you like to play a game? Okay - is that your answer, I'm ready to go, mate.
P: I don't want to get zapped, but I don't want to eat my own hand.
D: Five years of my life.
P: It might be... good character development for you? You could make some youtube videos about it.
D: Yeah, that would be one banging anecdote. Storytime - I hate my life. Is that your choice, are you seriously saying-
P: Go to jail!
D: Bad Phil! [buzzes him]
P: Mother-- goose. Canadian goose.
P: scissors
D: pencil
Dan, Phil, or a Rat
(Phil gets it wrong, Dan gets it wrong)
Dan and Phil Dilemmas
Dan's dilemma: Phil gets a hundred million dollars [insert double plane joke] but Dan has to have square hair forever.
D: Okay. In case you didn't realize, in 2011 I did have officially the world's worst hair in the entire universe.
P: He did.
D: I was an actual square. Are you saying - would that haircut be with a hundred million dollars?
P: Would it?
D: I mean, it depends, Phil - if we're taking this seriously. Would you actually make a double plane or would you-
P: I would.
D: Really?
P: Are you gonna give me the money or not?
D: Okay based on this I cannot trust you, I would not give you the money.
P: Bad friend! [buzzes him]
Phil's dilemma: Dan is wrongly put in jail for five years, but to save him Phil has to eat your own hand.
P: What the hell?
D: Bella! What the hell is wrong with you, Bella!
P: That's like Saw. I'm not gonna eat my own hand!
D: Phil, would you like to play a game? Okay - is that your answer, I'm ready to go, mate.
P: I don't want to get zapped, but I don't want to eat my own hand.
D: Five years of my life.
P: It might be... good character development for you? You could make some youtube videos about it.
D: Yeah, that would be one banging anecdote. Storytime - I hate my life. Is that your choice, are you seriously saying-
P: Go to jail!
D: Bad Phil! [buzzes him]
P: Mother-- goose. Canadian goose.
Do you guys think you could live in Canada?
D: Move to Toronto - it's the new 'come to Brazil.'
P: Canada's quite broad and I've only seen the little Toronto section of it.
D: Exactly.
P: But from what I've seen, I do really like it. It's got - [audience screams; reacting to something?] - I really think it's like, kind of a slightly less stressful London for some reason.
D: Yes! Because it's like, not weird because of the Americans, because you're Canada. I mean - what. It's fine. People say sorry, so I do. I walk into inanimate objects and apologize to them. It's quite beautiful as well, it has - it rains quite a lot but that reflects my personality so I think I could live here quite happily.
P: I think you would have a national Timbits shortage if I was here.
D: Yes. There would be none left.
P: There would be none left for anyone.
D: For anyone.
P: So unfortunately, we've got to return to England. [audience awws] Not yet! We're still here now.
D: Immediately. Zaps. [something about Thanos]
P: Dan!
D: [joke about not feeling good]
P: Canada's quite broad and I've only seen the little Toronto section of it.
D: Exactly.
P: But from what I've seen, I do really like it. It's got - [audience screams; reacting to something?] - I really think it's like, kind of a slightly less stressful London for some reason.
D: Yes! Because it's like, not weird because of the Americans, because you're Canada. I mean - what. It's fine. People say sorry, so I do. I walk into inanimate objects and apologize to them. It's quite beautiful as well, it has - it rains quite a lot but that reflects my personality so I think I could live here quite happily.
P: I think you would have a national Timbits shortage if I was here.
D: Yes. There would be none left.
P: There would be none left for anyone.
D: For anyone.
P: So unfortunately, we've got to return to England. [audience awws] Not yet! We're still here now.
D: Immediately. Zaps. [something about Thanos]
P: Dan!
D: [joke about not feeling good]
D: Okay so you you're saying is you want to propose to your crush in a fez and you're wondering if he'll reject you, interesting.
P: But Oliver! If your crush doesn't like that, then he's not worth it!
D: Yes! The moment where everybody here just yeed at the same time, that showed that there is literally a weirdo out there for any of us. So if [??] like you because you cosplay Doctor Who, just go to Comic Con and rub your face against people.
P: Oh my gosh. Good advice. I think.
D: Almost.
P: Almost there.
P: But Oliver! If your crush doesn't like that, then he's not worth it!
D: Yes! The moment where everybody here just yeed at the same time, that showed that there is literally a weirdo out there for any of us. So if [??] like you because you cosplay Doctor Who, just go to Comic Con and rub your face against people.
P: Oh my gosh. Good advice. I think.
D: Almost.
P: Almost there.
P: I mean, I think if you're scared of doing it but you really want to then you should definitely give it a go because you don't want to regret that, like not giving it a go in a few years.
D: Yeah definitely. Like, no one ever started youtube thinking it would be a success, they just did it because it sounded fun and then everything happened accidentally. [something about Dan and Phil sat there] Like if you were afraid ever that you want to pursue your dreams in any single way but you're afraid of failure, you can't do that because you'll just live the rest of your life regretting it because it's better to try and fail and know that you did it than to just go 'I never made it as the basketball playing singer that I always wanted to grow up to be' so you just go for it because you never know you might accidentally be Phil and live your dreams.
P: Yaaay!
D: Yeah definitely. Like, no one ever started youtube thinking it would be a success, they just did it because it sounded fun and then everything happened accidentally. [something about Dan and Phil sat there] Like if you were afraid ever that you want to pursue your dreams in any single way but you're afraid of failure, you can't do that because you'll just live the rest of your life regretting it because it's better to try and fail and know that you did it than to just go 'I never made it as the basketball playing singer that I always wanted to grow up to be' so you just go for it because you never know you might accidentally be Phil and live your dreams.
P: Yaaay!