Intro Banter
D: So, Auckland, how are you doing tonight? Are you guys good? *audience screams* Alright, that is what I like to hear, and this is our first time ever being in New Zealand, people. [unintelligible] I came here when I was nine, but Phil--
P: It’s my first time here!
D: [unintelligible] I’m so happy that we finally made it, honestly. [unintelligible] first like, you know, *overly sweet, high voice* “We did it. We’re here!” Phil, you’ve been here for like three days.
P: Yeah.
D: What is your honest review of New Zealand?
P: I would give it ten kiwis out of ten!
D: Okay, look. Kiwis, they’re very small creatures…
P: They are!
D: So is that a good thing? Because that could be offensive.
P: No, they are beautiful, just like New Zealand!
D: Yeah! Aw, you’re all sexy little hobbits. That’s rude. That’s a gross stereotype.
P: Oh, my gosh.
D: I’m really sorry. Okay.
P: Yeah.
D: We are so-- We are literally the furthest place away from the UK that we could be right now.
P: We’re so far!
D: Literal opposite side of the planet right now.
P: Yeah.
D: Why do people live here? Okay, you look at like Europe, America… It’s like, there’s all these places to go. It’s like, New Zealand!
P: Yeah.
D: It’s like, you literally tried to just be as far away from the rest of humanity as possible.
P: I think so.
D: And I relate to that spiritually. Right, [unintelligible].
P: That’s why you’re so at home here.
P: It’s my first time here!
D: [unintelligible] I’m so happy that we finally made it, honestly. [unintelligible] first like, you know, *overly sweet, high voice* “We did it. We’re here!” Phil, you’ve been here for like three days.
P: Yeah.
D: What is your honest review of New Zealand?
P: I would give it ten kiwis out of ten!
D: Okay, look. Kiwis, they’re very small creatures…
P: They are!
D: So is that a good thing? Because that could be offensive.
P: No, they are beautiful, just like New Zealand!
D: Yeah! Aw, you’re all sexy little hobbits. That’s rude. That’s a gross stereotype.
P: Oh, my gosh.
D: I’m really sorry. Okay.
P: Yeah.
D: We are so-- We are literally the furthest place away from the UK that we could be right now.
P: We’re so far!
D: Literal opposite side of the planet right now.
P: Yeah.
D: Why do people live here? Okay, you look at like Europe, America… It’s like, there’s all these places to go. It’s like, New Zealand!
P: Yeah.
D: It’s like, you literally tried to just be as far away from the rest of humanity as possible.
P: I think so.
D: And I relate to that spiritually. Right, [unintelligible].
P: That’s why you’re so at home here.
Phil's question: What job would Phil have if YouTube didn’t exist?
D: Implying that Phil has any employable skills.
P: Hey! It’s them that’s meant to be roasting me, not you!
D: Alright, yeah, sure, yeah. What were you going to say?
P: I mean, I’d make a good...person with a job.
D: A good person with a job. Okay.
P: Yeah.
D: He’s really thought about it, guys. Better not[sic] subscribe! There is no backup plan. Right.
- a terrible weatherman
P: Oh, my gosh! Sam, it was my dream to be a weatherman as a child.
D: Sam, you just killed his dream by saying that, you do realize?
P: I mean, I don’t know my left and my right, so that would be pretty terrible. Wouldn’t it?
D: I don’t feel like that’s a good trait in a weatherman.
P: No!
D: And over here is the hurricane. Oh, whoops! It was over there. You’re almost dead.
- an annoying receptionist
P: I think I’d probably be one of those people that just keep talking to everyone for far too long.
D: *high voice* “Oh, my God! Ahkdwncjsnd!” *normal voice* “Yeah, yeah, can you photocopy this please?” Coffee spill! “Whoops, I’m zany.” Yep, that’ll be Phil. Okay.
P: I think it would.
- a ray of sunshine
D: Oh. *barfing sound* Okay.
P: I’d want it--
D: It’s supposed to be a roast. What?
P: I’d want it because I’m so pale.
D: Ho, ho.
P: The sun just reflects off me into your faces.
D: Honestly, Phil had to wear SPF 50 for babies when he was in Australia.
P: I did.
D: Okay. And it’s winter.
P: Yeah.
D: This man’s in serious danger right now.
Phil's chosen answer: a terrible weatherman
Dan's question: What is hidden in Dan’s browsing history?
D: Oh, I like that that’s your reaction to Phil reading the question. Really, people? What do you think of me?
P: Let’s see what’s hidden in Dan’s incognito tab.
- furry propaganda
D: Been in New Zealand for like five minutes on stage and our first furry joke. Okay, thank you very much. There it is.
- DIY your own coffin
P: I mean, it would be black. Wouldn’t it?
D: And that, everybody, is a big mood right there. Okay. Literally me right now. *fake laugh*
P: It would be black and smell of trash.
- Phil Lester smiling pics
D: Do you wanna know what’s in my browsing history? Phanfictions where Phil dies.
P: Oh!
D: Yeah. That’s what I mean. It’s like, “and then Phil with his generic terminal illness passed away, and Dan was finally free!”
P: Oh, my God. Right, but for real, why do I always die in the Phanfictions?
D: I don’t know because you would be killed by a kiwi, Phil. It’s like, nature. He really wouldn’t survive it.
P: No.
Dan's chosen answer: furry propaganda
Joint Dan and Phil question: How will they die?
D: Great!
P: Oh, my God.
D: I love my audience fantasizing about my death. Okay. This should be fun.
- not enough sunlight
D: Yup.
P: There we go.
D: It’s the truth.
P: It is.
D: Can I confess something?
P: No.
D: Prior to coming to this theatre, I didn’t leave a hotel room for two days. That’s true.
P: No, it was--it was twenty-four hours--was before now.
D: It--it was like dinner, and then we’re here.
P: I was like, Dan!
D: That’s like thirty-eight hours, maybe.
P: You hibernated like some kind of animal.
D: I ordered room service three times, and the same woman came every time. She was like, “Here’s your breakfast! Here’s your lunch.” And then by dinner she was like, “Are you okay?” I was like, “Don’t look at me!”
- filming Phil is not on fire 76
D: Awww.
P: How will we die?
D: Just natural causes.
P: Oh.
D: I’ll just give up.
P: The sharpie fumes will finally get to us.
D: Definitely. Or, falling off a chair. I think that either of those things could happen. Very realistic.
- pecked to death by kiwis
P: See? That’s why we shouldn’t have [unintelligible].
D: You can imagine Phil being like, “I’d just like a little selfie.” Jugular! There we go. It could happen.
P: It could.
D: Phil, stay away from wildlife, alright?
P: Okay.
D: He got handsy with the koala that one time, so keep him away from kiwis.
Their chosen answer: not enough sunlight
D: It’s true. It’s true. The D that we crave is an essential vitamin, people. We really--we don’t have enough of it.
P: No.
D: Implying that Phil has any employable skills.
P: Hey! It’s them that’s meant to be roasting me, not you!
D: Alright, yeah, sure, yeah. What were you going to say?
P: I mean, I’d make a good...person with a job.
D: A good person with a job. Okay.
P: Yeah.
D: He’s really thought about it, guys. Better not[sic] subscribe! There is no backup plan. Right.
- a terrible weatherman
P: Oh, my gosh! Sam, it was my dream to be a weatherman as a child.
D: Sam, you just killed his dream by saying that, you do realize?
P: I mean, I don’t know my left and my right, so that would be pretty terrible. Wouldn’t it?
D: I don’t feel like that’s a good trait in a weatherman.
P: No!
D: And over here is the hurricane. Oh, whoops! It was over there. You’re almost dead.
- an annoying receptionist
P: I think I’d probably be one of those people that just keep talking to everyone for far too long.
D: *high voice* “Oh, my God! Ahkdwncjsnd!” *normal voice* “Yeah, yeah, can you photocopy this please?” Coffee spill! “Whoops, I’m zany.” Yep, that’ll be Phil. Okay.
P: I think it would.
- a ray of sunshine
D: Oh. *barfing sound* Okay.
P: I’d want it--
D: It’s supposed to be a roast. What?
P: I’d want it because I’m so pale.
D: Ho, ho.
P: The sun just reflects off me into your faces.
D: Honestly, Phil had to wear SPF 50 for babies when he was in Australia.
P: I did.
D: Okay. And it’s winter.
P: Yeah.
D: This man’s in serious danger right now.
Phil's chosen answer: a terrible weatherman
Dan's question: What is hidden in Dan’s browsing history?
D: Oh, I like that that’s your reaction to Phil reading the question. Really, people? What do you think of me?
P: Let’s see what’s hidden in Dan’s incognito tab.
- furry propaganda
D: Been in New Zealand for like five minutes on stage and our first furry joke. Okay, thank you very much. There it is.
- DIY your own coffin
P: I mean, it would be black. Wouldn’t it?
D: And that, everybody, is a big mood right there. Okay. Literally me right now. *fake laugh*
P: It would be black and smell of trash.
- Phil Lester smiling pics
D: Do you wanna know what’s in my browsing history? Phanfictions where Phil dies.
P: Oh!
D: Yeah. That’s what I mean. It’s like, “and then Phil with his generic terminal illness passed away, and Dan was finally free!”
P: Oh, my God. Right, but for real, why do I always die in the Phanfictions?
D: I don’t know because you would be killed by a kiwi, Phil. It’s like, nature. He really wouldn’t survive it.
P: No.
Dan's chosen answer: furry propaganda
Joint Dan and Phil question: How will they die?
D: Great!
P: Oh, my God.
D: I love my audience fantasizing about my death. Okay. This should be fun.
- not enough sunlight
D: Yup.
P: There we go.
D: It’s the truth.
P: It is.
D: Can I confess something?
P: No.
D: Prior to coming to this theatre, I didn’t leave a hotel room for two days. That’s true.
P: No, it was--it was twenty-four hours--was before now.
D: It--it was like dinner, and then we’re here.
P: I was like, Dan!
D: That’s like thirty-eight hours, maybe.
P: You hibernated like some kind of animal.
D: I ordered room service three times, and the same woman came every time. She was like, “Here’s your breakfast! Here’s your lunch.” And then by dinner she was like, “Are you okay?” I was like, “Don’t look at me!”
- filming Phil is not on fire 76
D: Awww.
P: How will we die?
D: Just natural causes.
P: Oh.
D: I’ll just give up.
P: The sharpie fumes will finally get to us.
D: Definitely. Or, falling off a chair. I think that either of those things could happen. Very realistic.
- pecked to death by kiwis
P: See? That’s why we shouldn’t have [unintelligible].
D: You can imagine Phil being like, “I’d just like a little selfie.” Jugular! There we go. It could happen.
P: It could.
D: Phil, stay away from wildlife, alright?
P: Okay.
D: He got handsy with the koala that one time, so keep him away from kiwis.
Their chosen answer: not enough sunlight
D: It’s true. It’s true. The D that we crave is an essential vitamin, people. We really--we don’t have enough of it.
P: No.
- a poster of Gerard Way
- cereal
- a tiny family of rats
- cereal
- a tiny family of rats
Dan
Dan - sixty million bees
D: You might be thinking quite selfishly if we were trapped here with over sixty million bees then they would sting me, and I will die. But, look, you don’t matter. Okay? You know what matters? The ecosystem! Okay? Yeah! You wanna know the tea? The tea is colony collapse disorder, people. Okay, that’s a thing. [unintelligible] *high voice* “Oh! Oh, don’t sting my face!” They’ll be like, “Oh, they’re so loud!” *normal voice* No! We need to protect the environment, okay, and I would happily let them sting me all over because bees are more important than people. Am I right everybody?
Phil - the perfect sandwich
P: I mean, who’s to say who is the sandwich for? It might not be for a human. What if it’s the perfect sandwich for an alien, and their favorite food is babies? So, you’re starting to eat a baby sandwich when you’re an alien!
Dan - movie spoilers
D: Some things, okay. Spoilers can be good when a movie is just so traumatizing that a human can’t handle surprise. Okay. Because, hey, I was like, I don’t want to know any Infinity Wars spoilers. Okay, and then I went to--I was blind! I was blind. I was vulnerable. And then all the way halfway through the movie, let’s just say I didn’t feel so good! [unintelligible] Who here will be heartbroken for the rest of their lives? Obviously. Exactly! Exactly! Boom.
Phil - free Wi-Fi
P: Free Wi-Fi is free for a reason, and that reason is that the government can see everything that you’re doing. So looking at your Wattpad account [unintelligible], and they are spying through your webcam.
Dan - kicking a child
D: Look. Sometimes kicking a child is the good thing to do. No, right, look. There are several situations where a child is doing something bad, and you need to save them. Like, if a child is about to eat something sugary and it’s like, “No, you should care about oral hygiene, young child.” Okay, if a child was running towards an old lady with a knife, what would you do? Okay. I’m just saying there are certain situations where you need to drop kick that bitch. Okay. [unintelligible] It will be fine! Probably. But you’re doing it for some better reason, and that’s why it’s...
Phil - endless chocolate
P: Oh, okay. So, at first, when the chocolate starts breaking into the theatre, we’re all like, “Ooh, yas. Let’s have a lick of the floor.” But then it keeps rising. It keeps rising, and then we’re swimming in chocolate, having a lovely time. But what happens when it reaches the ceiling? And then we’re drowning in the chocolate? And the last thing we see is chocolate in our brain.
D: You might be thinking quite selfishly if we were trapped here with over sixty million bees then they would sting me, and I will die. But, look, you don’t matter. Okay? You know what matters? The ecosystem! Okay? Yeah! You wanna know the tea? The tea is colony collapse disorder, people. Okay, that’s a thing. [unintelligible] *high voice* “Oh! Oh, don’t sting my face!” They’ll be like, “Oh, they’re so loud!” *normal voice* No! We need to protect the environment, okay, and I would happily let them sting me all over because bees are more important than people. Am I right everybody?
Phil - the perfect sandwich
P: I mean, who’s to say who is the sandwich for? It might not be for a human. What if it’s the perfect sandwich for an alien, and their favorite food is babies? So, you’re starting to eat a baby sandwich when you’re an alien!
Dan - movie spoilers
D: Some things, okay. Spoilers can be good when a movie is just so traumatizing that a human can’t handle surprise. Okay. Because, hey, I was like, I don’t want to know any Infinity Wars spoilers. Okay, and then I went to--I was blind! I was blind. I was vulnerable. And then all the way halfway through the movie, let’s just say I didn’t feel so good! [unintelligible] Who here will be heartbroken for the rest of their lives? Obviously. Exactly! Exactly! Boom.
Phil - free Wi-Fi
P: Free Wi-Fi is free for a reason, and that reason is that the government can see everything that you’re doing. So looking at your Wattpad account [unintelligible], and they are spying through your webcam.
Dan - kicking a child
D: Look. Sometimes kicking a child is the good thing to do. No, right, look. There are several situations where a child is doing something bad, and you need to save them. Like, if a child is about to eat something sugary and it’s like, “No, you should care about oral hygiene, young child.” Okay, if a child was running towards an old lady with a knife, what would you do? Okay. I’m just saying there are certain situations where you need to drop kick that bitch. Okay. [unintelligible] It will be fine! Probably. But you’re doing it for some better reason, and that’s why it’s...
Phil - endless chocolate
P: Oh, okay. So, at first, when the chocolate starts breaking into the theatre, we’re all like, “Ooh, yas. Let’s have a lick of the floor.” But then it keeps rising. It keeps rising, and then we’re swimming in chocolate, having a lovely time. But what happens when it reaches the ceiling? And then we’re drowning in the chocolate? And the last thing we see is chocolate in our brain.
Psychic Connections - word: New Zealand things
P: hobbits
D: kiwis
Phantastic Phacts
Dan's question: What was Phil’s first ever Instagram post?
D: How the hell would I know that? Are you kidding me?
P: Are you a good friend or not?
D: A good friend? Who the hell knows their friend’s first Instagram post? Oh. Really? Really? Okay, nerd. Right. Fine. You were looking at me like, “*snorts* You don’t know Phil’s first Instagram post?” Okay, nerds.
P: I feel like you’ve been stalling for time. What was it, Dan?
D: I dunno. A Christmas tree?
P: No!
D: Ow! Frick. Yeah, same. What do you want? This show’s still monetized. What?
P: It was actually a sign in Florida that said, “Do not harass the alligator.”
D: Okay, there we go. Wow, thank you! How didn’t I know that? I’m terrible! Right.
P: Exactly.
Phil's question: What annoys Dan the most in the world?
D: Alright.
P: In the world?
D: I, eh, you know. I have an answer to this. And it is like, not the most annoying thing.
P: Yeah.
D: Let’s just go with frequency. What annoys me the most often in the world?
P: When...a moth flies into your laptop screen.
D: No!
P: Ow!
D: Do you wanna know what it is?
P: What?
D: When you leave the freakin’ cupboards open!
P: Oh.
D: That is the answer!
P: Why?
D: You are like--Why? You can tell when Phil’s been in the kitchen because literally every single door is just fully open, okay.
P: But think about it. What is even the point of a cupboard door if you’re just gonna open it anyway?
D: Um, okay. Okay. Well, this is…
P: Now you don’t need to open it!
D: You wanna know what kind of a monster this man is? Phil is the kind of person that will not only steal your cereal, okay. He will finish a box of food and leave the empty box in the cupboard! Exactly! Exactly! Thank you! Thank you! Alright.
P: I’m a growing boy!
D: Phil will be nine foot twelve the next time he comes to New Zealand. Alright.
Dan, Phil, or a Rat
Phil gets it wrong. Dan gets it wrong.
Dan and Phil Dilemmas
Dan's dilemma: Phil is falling off the Sky Tower, but, to save him, you can never use the internet again.
D: Oh, my God. Kate, you sick freak. How could you even suggest that?
P: Dan, you can’t let me fall off the Sky Tower!
D: I’m trying to imagine a scenario where me avowing to never use the internet would save you from falling, but that’s not the point! Okay. Would I do that? Well, what floor of the Sky Tower are you falling from? Because--
P: I think it’s the top floor.
D: Okay, um. What are you landing on? Is it like a big bouncy castle or something? Because like, right.
P: No. Save me!
D: I feel like Phil is probably bouncy, like a cat, so he, he [unintelligible].
P: What!?
D: How seriously are we taking--
P: Seriously!
D: Do you want me to say what I’d actually do in this situation?
P: Yeah!
D: If Phil was going to literally fall off a tower and die, I would not use the internet again. I would save him.
P: Awww!
D: Do you think I would have just been like, “Alright, see you later, mate.” Boom! Okay.
P: Maybe.
D: Alright.
Phil's dilemma: Dan is about to be trampled by a horse, but, to stop it, you have to make out with the horse.
P: I’m not gonna make out with the horse! This isn’t Horse Prince in real life!
D: We have a roney in the audience, people.
P: No.
D: This is [unintelligible].
P: But, Dan.
D: Let’s get out the shaming cone right now for Amalia. What?
P: I think… I--I--I don’t think the horse would kill you. I me--
D: There are some people on the internet that would love to make out with a horse, alright. You’re saying you that wouldn’t do that to save--
P: Also, you could make a YouTube video: “I was trampled by a horse. Not clickbait!”
D: Are you serious?
P: No!
D: Oh, my God! No! Bad friend!
P: hobbits
D: kiwis
Phantastic Phacts
Dan's question: What was Phil’s first ever Instagram post?
D: How the hell would I know that? Are you kidding me?
P: Are you a good friend or not?
D: A good friend? Who the hell knows their friend’s first Instagram post? Oh. Really? Really? Okay, nerd. Right. Fine. You were looking at me like, “*snorts* You don’t know Phil’s first Instagram post?” Okay, nerds.
P: I feel like you’ve been stalling for time. What was it, Dan?
D: I dunno. A Christmas tree?
P: No!
D: Ow! Frick. Yeah, same. What do you want? This show’s still monetized. What?
P: It was actually a sign in Florida that said, “Do not harass the alligator.”
D: Okay, there we go. Wow, thank you! How didn’t I know that? I’m terrible! Right.
P: Exactly.
Phil's question: What annoys Dan the most in the world?
D: Alright.
P: In the world?
D: I, eh, you know. I have an answer to this. And it is like, not the most annoying thing.
P: Yeah.
D: Let’s just go with frequency. What annoys me the most often in the world?
P: When...a moth flies into your laptop screen.
D: No!
P: Ow!
D: Do you wanna know what it is?
P: What?
D: When you leave the freakin’ cupboards open!
P: Oh.
D: That is the answer!
P: Why?
D: You are like--Why? You can tell when Phil’s been in the kitchen because literally every single door is just fully open, okay.
P: But think about it. What is even the point of a cupboard door if you’re just gonna open it anyway?
D: Um, okay. Okay. Well, this is…
P: Now you don’t need to open it!
D: You wanna know what kind of a monster this man is? Phil is the kind of person that will not only steal your cereal, okay. He will finish a box of food and leave the empty box in the cupboard! Exactly! Exactly! Thank you! Thank you! Alright.
P: I’m a growing boy!
D: Phil will be nine foot twelve the next time he comes to New Zealand. Alright.
Dan, Phil, or a Rat
Phil gets it wrong. Dan gets it wrong.
Dan and Phil Dilemmas
Dan's dilemma: Phil is falling off the Sky Tower, but, to save him, you can never use the internet again.
D: Oh, my God. Kate, you sick freak. How could you even suggest that?
P: Dan, you can’t let me fall off the Sky Tower!
D: I’m trying to imagine a scenario where me avowing to never use the internet would save you from falling, but that’s not the point! Okay. Would I do that? Well, what floor of the Sky Tower are you falling from? Because--
P: I think it’s the top floor.
D: Okay, um. What are you landing on? Is it like a big bouncy castle or something? Because like, right.
P: No. Save me!
D: I feel like Phil is probably bouncy, like a cat, so he, he [unintelligible].
P: What!?
D: How seriously are we taking--
P: Seriously!
D: Do you want me to say what I’d actually do in this situation?
P: Yeah!
D: If Phil was going to literally fall off a tower and die, I would not use the internet again. I would save him.
P: Awww!
D: Do you think I would have just been like, “Alright, see you later, mate.” Boom! Okay.
P: Maybe.
D: Alright.
Phil's dilemma: Dan is about to be trampled by a horse, but, to stop it, you have to make out with the horse.
P: I’m not gonna make out with the horse! This isn’t Horse Prince in real life!
D: We have a roney in the audience, people.
P: No.
D: This is [unintelligible].
P: But, Dan.
D: Let’s get out the shaming cone right now for Amalia. What?
P: I think… I--I--I don’t think the horse would kill you. I me--
D: There are some people on the internet that would love to make out with a horse, alright. You’re saying you that wouldn’t do that to save--
P: Also, you could make a YouTube video: “I was trampled by a horse. Not clickbait!”
D: Are you serious?
P: No!
D: Oh, my God! No! Bad friend!
The tour is nearly over. What is your favorite thing about being on tour?
D: Wow! Uh, well, firstly, can you believe that this tour that we talked about last November is about to end? We are all dying!
P: It’s happened so fast!
D: What have you done with the last year of your life? Ha, ha, ha. Aaaah! Okay, no, well, honestly, what’s the best thing about being on tour?
P: Yeah?
D: I’m gonna have to say: meeting our audience. You really are.
P: Aww!
D: Okay, right. Seriously. When everything we do is on the internet, it’s very hard for us to understand how real it is. Right?
P: Yeah.
D: Like when everything’s just a number or a comment. It’s so hard for us to realize that when we say something--Is that actually having any effect on people? And just to see people in real life that go, *high voice* “Hey. That thing you did. It made me laugh once.” *normal voice* I’m like, “My life has meaning!” So thank you!
P: I also think--
D: Sorry, I feel like Wholesome Howell is leaking.
P: Wholesome Howell is leaking!
D: But I’m gonna try to control it. Okay, so, what’s your answer, Phil?
P: I mean, I’m really just--just enjoyed traveling and seeing new places like beautiful New Zealand!
D: Because unless you’re a Lord of the Rings nerd, why the hell would you come here? I’m kidding! I just said you were my favorite part! Get over it! Okay, that was a joke.
P: Okay.
D: [unintelligible] is it traveling for you?
P: Yeah, I think so.
D: And that comes from a man who suffers from immense travel sickness.
P: Yeah. That means a lot.
D: Don’t worry. There’s still time that Phil could throw up on you here in the audience.
P: Watch out.
D: Okay.
P: It’s happened so fast!
D: What have you done with the last year of your life? Ha, ha, ha. Aaaah! Okay, no, well, honestly, what’s the best thing about being on tour?
P: Yeah?
D: I’m gonna have to say: meeting our audience. You really are.
P: Aww!
D: Okay, right. Seriously. When everything we do is on the internet, it’s very hard for us to understand how real it is. Right?
P: Yeah.
D: Like when everything’s just a number or a comment. It’s so hard for us to realize that when we say something--Is that actually having any effect on people? And just to see people in real life that go, *high voice* “Hey. That thing you did. It made me laugh once.” *normal voice* I’m like, “My life has meaning!” So thank you!
P: I also think--
D: Sorry, I feel like Wholesome Howell is leaking.
P: Wholesome Howell is leaking!
D: But I’m gonna try to control it. Okay, so, what’s your answer, Phil?
P: I mean, I’m really just--just enjoyed traveling and seeing new places like beautiful New Zealand!
D: Because unless you’re a Lord of the Rings nerd, why the hell would you come here? I’m kidding! I just said you were my favorite part! Get over it! Okay, that was a joke.
P: Okay.
D: [unintelligible] is it traveling for you?
P: Yeah, I think so.
D: And that comes from a man who suffers from immense travel sickness.
P: Yeah. That means a lot.
D: Don’t worry. There’s still time that Phil could throw up on you here in the audience.
P: Watch out.
D: Okay.
D: Is anyone here from the South Island? *audience cheers* *stage whisper* They’re the people that were cheering for furries and Satan.
P: I think they were.
D: [unintelligible] the South Island people. Okay.
P: I say, if you want an opportunity to make new friends, now is probably the best time because you are surrounded by people with similar interests.
D: Literally, you are in a room full of people that all just yee’d at the same time. Okay. You will literally never be with a bigger bunch of weirdos in your entire life. Okay? So, if you don’t have any friends, be like, “What’s your Twitter?” And then they we go.
P: Yeah, so, do that, em, and then hopefully that will help, and you’ll make a friend.
D: But, hey, who needs friends on the same island as you when you have the internet? Am I right? Exactly! Real life is way overrated.
P: It is.
P: I think they were.
D: [unintelligible] the South Island people. Okay.
P: I say, if you want an opportunity to make new friends, now is probably the best time because you are surrounded by people with similar interests.
D: Literally, you are in a room full of people that all just yee’d at the same time. Okay. You will literally never be with a bigger bunch of weirdos in your entire life. Okay? So, if you don’t have any friends, be like, “What’s your Twitter?” And then they we go.
P: Yeah, so, do that, em, and then hopefully that will help, and you’ll make a friend.
D: But, hey, who needs friends on the same island as you when you have the internet? Am I right? Exactly! Real life is way overrated.
P: It is.
P: Oh! Ben!
D: It’s--Look. Okay.
P: I mean, if they don’t love you for being a nerd, then they’re not worth it anyway!
D: Yes! Exactly! Thank you! That is the right answer. You should never change yourself for anybody, okay.
P: No.
D: You go up to that person, and you say, “Do you like watching Yuri on Ice and crying at 4am? ‘Cuz if you don’t, you don’t deserve me!” Okay, because, as we established, the people are yee’ing. There’s probably some weird anime-watching weirdos out there, so you do you, Ben. We love you for who you are.
P: Yeah. So, good luck with that.
D: I feel like you actually just gave good advice there. Well done, Phil!
D: It’s--Look. Okay.
P: I mean, if they don’t love you for being a nerd, then they’re not worth it anyway!
D: Yes! Exactly! Thank you! That is the right answer. You should never change yourself for anybody, okay.
P: No.
D: You go up to that person, and you say, “Do you like watching Yuri on Ice and crying at 4am? ‘Cuz if you don’t, you don’t deserve me!” Okay, because, as we established, the people are yee’ing. There’s probably some weird anime-watching weirdos out there, so you do you, Ben. We love you for who you are.
P: Yeah. So, good luck with that.
D: I feel like you actually just gave good advice there. Well done, Phil!