Gay And Not Proud - Daniel Howell | YouTube Pride 2021 (25 June 2021)

Videos posted on the danisnotonfire channel
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lefthandedism
simply stressed bisexual
simply stressed bisexual
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"If you're left-handed, ask a friend."
"Why am I left-handed?"
"Everybody makes mistakes."
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lefthandedism
simply stressed bisexual
simply stressed bisexual
Posts: 1672
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:16 pm
Pronouns: she/her
Location: New England

alittledizzy wrote: Sat Jun 26, 2021 7:04 pm Timestamps!

:55 - Dan contemplates what it means to be proud. He puts a lot of emphasis on confidence in your own identity and being able to change your life, and how he doesn’t have pride. The first mention of his ‘hot boy fantasy’.
1:40 - He had plans to make things for his channel that didn’t involve sitting in his bedroom.
2:40 - He calls his life before coming out a ‘pantomime performance to protect myself’ and says he doesn’t hate himself, but he also doesn’t love himself yet. He is “fundamentally scared.’
3:20 - He blows a kiss to the straights. I’m uncomfy.
3:40 - He puts gay bars and political rallies in the same category as things he’s been afraid to do.
4:33 - Dan refers to it as a ‘tour of regrets’ which I think is a better way of phrasing it than the what-could-have-been angle I interpreted descriptions (prior to seeing it) as. I think the theme is much easier to parse when you consider it as just a series of moments that Dan didn’t feel proud, with no (or minimal) interpretation of what that same moment had looked like if he had been proud.
4:50 - One of two times when Dan promotes the charity.
5:48 - Phil is behind Door Number One of his existential mind doorways.
6:07 - Phil shows up as a “trap” to make Dan pass the rest of his life in a state of ‘moderate content’ instead of exploring his past.
7:00 - Mention of a time at the BBC when a pop star felt his bum in the lift.
7:05 - Dan enters a set that represents backstage at tours. He calls it a weird and amazing (no pun intended) period of his life, and talks about hoping no one would ask him about his sexuality. One journalist did (shoutout Sunday Times).
8:18 - The segment with fans starts. This is definitely a highlight of the show, imo.
10:20 - Dan talks about how people were real with him because he seemed accepting, and he has regret that he didn’t come out sooner. I find it interesting that he side steps that while he didn’t come out he was very open about same sex attraction in the couple of years before he made that official announcement.
11:20 - He says, “You guys had pride before I did.” which feels really poignant to me.
12:27 - They introduce questions from fans with a very Phil-esque consequence if he doesn’t answer a question.
13:13 - First fan question: What was his first kiss with a guy like? He tells the story about it being during a game of spin the bottle.
14:30 - Second fan question: Was there ever a time he was close to giving up his career because the pressure was too much? He says every single day. He reminds himself that negativity and doubt is not the only perspective.
12:20 - Third fan question: Biggest faux paus someone has made after him coming out. A relative said, “Oh, well, I think it’s fine that you’re gay. It’s a shame you can’t get married because it’s wrong.”
16:08 - Fourth fan question: who was the first person he came out to, and why did he choose them? He talks about the teenage emo friend who told him he was bi, and he saw an in and said he was bisexual too. He also adds: “Twenty years later, I have a completely different identity.”
17:34 - Fifth fan question: Who is your least favorite youtuber? He refuses to answer and the fans tweet from his account.
19:09 - “[The joke tweet] will destroy my career just as I’m excited about it.”
19:23 - Phil cameo as Dil? I swear it sounds like Phil’s voice.
20:06 - He walks into the next room, which is pride themed. His intro to this segment delves into how he felt scared and also angry about pride in the past, because people were out there being proud and living their lives and he wasn’t. He’d never participated in gay pride before 2019. He spent two days hot gluing sequins to an outfit, made a sign, and refers to that day in pride as an experience that ‘felt religious.’ It was the first day he ever felt proud. He encourages people to go to pride and wishes he’d gone much earlier.
24:05 - Will Young segment; he was the first person Dan saw as representation. He does a song before they go into a conversation segment
27:07 - They talk. The conversation is awkward and they don’t seem super on the same wavelength. Whoever said Will Young is too sincere for Dan, that’s really the vibe I get. Dan aggressively jokes while Will seems to take everything quite sincerely. This is my least favorite section of the show.
28:39 - Dan says he had a weird relationship with his sexuality, and Will’s coming out was formative for him because it was the first time he saw people in his life (specifically mentions his grandma) reacting to someone being gay.
30:26 - Dan’s been terrified his whole life that people would bring it up and put it on the table before he was ready to ask. Journalists, friends.
31:26 - Will talks about constantly having to come out.
32:10 - Dan asks Will what he thinks about pride month as a concept and their respective opinions of what pride is like for them.
34:30 - Will talks about shame and pride being a time for people to look at the shame they carry and give it back.
36:20 - The segment with Will ends. Brief interlude with a physical embodiment of his random phase, and a door he’s not ready for yet.
37:21 - The ‘Hollywood’ segment begins, where he talks about conventions and influencers. A mention about Phil being the ‘only person in the world that tolerates me’ and how hard it is to find friends after school. He repeats Phil’s joke that if there are giant youtuber orgies, he’s never been invited.
39:12 - He intros Tyler as someone he might like but wanted to stay far away from. They really do blur that painting even though you can clearly see it in the mirror lmao what the hell.
40:04 - Tyler’s first impression of Dan was “Adorable, but quiet as can be.” Adorable and reserved. They talk about how it wasn’t a secret that he had a secret. Tyler says it was a “non-spoken secret” and Tyler figured it wasn’t his business until Dan said something to him, which Dan never did. Dan says he did want to and Tyler is someone that he really liked and wished he could get to know them better, but at the time because of his ‘effed up relationship with sexuality’ that if people saw Dan having fun with people like Tyler they’d start speculating.
42:00 - Tyler invited Dan to his birthday two weeks after Dan had come out. It was a gay roller disco and Dan’s reaction was, “Who are you talking to?”
42:50 - Dan says he’s never seen a drag show in person. I guess that means he wasn’t at the one Cornelia and Phil were spotted at?
43:27 - The segment ends rather abruptly. Really disappointed they didn’t go further with that conversation/concept because it had the most potential to me.
44:04 - Dan approaches the final door and it’s teenage emo self. He steps back quickly. He talks about how he can’t wear those clothes or listen to MCR anymore without feeling like he’s back there. He never specifically mentions this being about when he attempted suicide but it feels fairly pointed that this is what it’s about.
45:00 - He’s in an empty dark space and talks about being there a lot trying not to feel. He talks about the fun he could have had and friends he could have made and people he could have helped if he weren’t trapped in the ‘damn closet.’
46:12 - The Abi segment! She appears as Dan’s spiritual subconscious to tell him to stop being Eyeore and get off his bottom before she gives him a spanking. Dan references the sexual tension between them and, lbr, I can get behind it. He makes a comment about not defining the next decade with casual sex and she redirects him back to the point being to stop looking back by seeing the positives in his past and that it wasn’t his fault. “Depressed, teenage, little emo Dan - it wasn’t his fault. Don’t hate him. Don’t hate yourself.”
49:00 - Dan goes into the bedroom of his teenage self and talks at himself for a few minutes.
51:26 - He leaves through the emo closet and immediately calls for Phil. Phil doesn’t come, but it does give Dan a moment to promote the charity again.
52:16 - He comes back with the popcorn and Phil comes back through. Dan asks Phil if he could go back ten years and make different choices. Phil says if it was Dan he’d be a lot less funny or interesting. Phil tells him to go through one last door and he’ll be fine. I really like Dan repeating ‘I’ll be fine,’ before walking into the final room - a giant pile of crap that makes up Dan.
53:16 - Just have to timestamp Dan referring to Abi as ‘the dom top angel.’
53:40 - Dan’s wrap up chat talking about how he can be proud of who he is and his journey over youtube and how he is finally free to start living the life that he actually wants to, and that’s something everyone should fight for.
55:41 - He picks up the bar and I Will Survive starts to play and… I just really enjoy this final part a lot.
"If you're left-handed, ask a friend."
"Why am I left-handed?"
"Everybody makes mistakes."
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