IDB

Hello everyone!
In honour of Dan we will be watching Daniel and Depression, Trying To Live My Truth, and Basically I'm Gay to celebrate him and his journey!

We're only using IDB for this fest, which means everyone will watch the videos on their own time. This watch fest will start at 7 pm UTC on Friday June 28th, running through Sunday June 30th! Feel free to drop by at any time then, and don't hesitate to post more than once if you have more to say!

We welcome you to share your own experiences and stories in relation to Dan's videos such as any way he has inspired you to find your own truth or simply made you feel seen. We also welcome commentary, timestamps, favourite parts etc. - any kind of chat relating to the videos!

Videos:
1. Daniel and Depression
2. Trying To Live My Truth
3. Basically I'm Gay

Make sure to turn Adblock off, and have fun watching the videos!

Discussion Prompts
**it is not necessary to work off of these prompts alone, we welcome any stories relating to your own experience in relation to the video or being a fan of Dan, or any commentary on the video! These are just here as a guide

• What are your thoughts on Dan's journey?

• Can you relate to what Dan has been through, in any of the videos?

• Dan's spent a lot of time trying to feel comfortable as the person he truly wants to be over the years, what are some standout moments of growth you've seen from him?

don’t mind me, just emerging from lurkdom to give my two cents on dan’s trilogy (well, on ttlmt and big anyway).

like quite a few people (i suspect) i had drifted away from dnp during the last few years but ‘basically i’m gay’ brought me back. firstly, i’m so happy for dan that he’s at a place where he can make a video like that. i genuinely never thought i’d see the day and basically figured that everything would stay as unspoken assumptions for all eternity. i do think anyone who was paying attention would have known he wasn’t straight because hello, constant references to male attraction + all the sex references in ttlmt/diss track etc…

so for me, one of the biggest takeaways from ‘basically i’m gay’ was not that he is gay/queer but that he has processed his traumatic experiences from growing up and becoming internet famous as an lgbt person. now he’s at the point where he can share that journey with his audience - even to the point of saying he once attempted suicide, which must have taken a lot of courage to say. and yeah you bet that made me emotional because goddamnit i’m proud of how he’s grown and overcome. like, even for me, growing up as a lesbian who was fortunate enough not to be bullied or openly discriminated against, there’s still loads of stuff which i have had to process and sort through as a result of existing as a gay woman in a misogynistic and homophobic world. my story and experiences are not the same as dan’s and in many ways he had it worse than me, but nevertheless i felt a connection to his experiences and an underlying solidarity with him.

watching ‘trying to live my truth’ for the first time only after seeing ‘basically i’m gay’ was really interesting because the second video feels like the natural progression of the first one. like ttlmt was him setting out a challenge for himself then big was him accomplishing that goal. ttlmt just feels kinda incomplete on its own once you know what was happening behind the scenes - what was really holding him back, what a large part of his ‘truth’ actually is, etc.

probably the moment that touched me the most was at 38:28 in big when he says ‘i finally just have to confront and accept this…… i’m gay.’ like… i felt that bit so deeply because oh god i’ve been there too. i think the first time i ever said ‘i’m gay’ out loud to myself was when i was fifteen, staring at myself in my bedroom mirror. i’d write it in tiny letters on the beach then score it out before anyone else could see. i used to practice whispering it to myself while i played the piano or when i was going to sleep at night. because i knew it was a true and unchangeable fact about myself, yet part of me still rejected it and reminded me that i was a normal person so how could i possibly be this thing that was completely ‘other’?

also really related to coming out via email lmao, i knew i wouldn’t be able to just bring it up in conversation so i came out to my parents via text.

so yeah. there’s tons of stuff to say about his coming out video and how well-done it was and all the different topics he discussed, but that’s what hit me hardest. self acceptance and authenticity for the win. i’m really happy for him.

That was my first time rewatching the depression video. Back when it came out it really fucked me up. I basically burst into tears the moment it started and didn't stop for the entire evening. Just too see someone I've been following for years and that I "know" talk so openly about it really meant a lot. I'll take it as a good sign for my own mental health improvement over the last years that I can watch it with no issues nowadays.

The coming out video I've pretty much been watching every day since he uploaded it. Still not over it. And I really should be doing something else. I have 12 exams upcoming, someone take my laptop away I'm begging you. I can definitely relate to it in parts. I'm bisexual and when I was younger, in like 5-8th grade, I was being bullied for being a lesbian. Though what I experienced was in no way even close to what Dan had to go through. My bullying was very much limited to the last 10 minutes on the school bus when my bullies and I were alone, not from my whole environment like in Dan's case. And even still it really hurt my self-acceptance. Now in hindsight I can definitely tell that I had crushes on girls back then too, but I totally surpressed that for fear of actually being a lesbian because obviously that is something bad if they are bullying me for it. His line "This whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me" definitely resonated with me a lot. That was exactly how I felt when I eventually realized that I'm into girls too.

But yeah, it's really just such a good video. Not just in terms of the message, but also how it is made and how actually funny it is despite the dark topics. So very proud of him and happy that he has managed to find a place of acceptance. Curious to see what the future brings. I've already been loving all the open gayness since the video.

I'm definitely going to make more than one post in this thread because I have a lot to say, but I thought I'd start with the personal bit for me relating to Dan. And since I'm wordy I know it's going to be long, and I don't want to take away from anything else I have to say about Dan and these videos, or in response to something other users have said. This might be obnoxious, but it's actually been on my mind a lot lately as I've spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with myself. Dan's video was the final push tbh so...here I am lol.

This kind of starts at the beginning for me. I started watching Dan and Phil in December 2014 after months of my best friend trying to force me to watch them. I immediately fell hard into the phandom and was desperate to know everything I could about that guy who looks like Anthony Padilla and his boyfriend (because that's all I thought about them from the gifs my bff was reblogging lol). Luckily I fell in deep around the same time I was on winter holidays from school (I was 15 at the time) so I spent two weeks literally glued to the family computer watching all their videos and every single vyou I could find until the sun came up each morning. Anyway, at the time I thought I was completely heterosexual. I'm so lucky to have grown up in a household where my mum drilled into me that no matter what she would always love me, and that included being gay and the like. However, at the same time she's pretty fixated on gaydar and definitely stuck in the 80s in terms of her liberalism when she was in her 20s and very progressive for what was happening back then. She would say that she was supportive of anything but also say multiples times that she knows me (and my younger brother) weren't gay because she would know already. So great. Mum knows best right? Obviously I'm not gay. Which is great because calling everything gay at school was the popular thing to do, and despite my mum being wiccan (lmao) I was at a christan daycare where we were pumped up with a whole bunch of weird religious propaganda. Some other family shit went down as well, so basically I grew up thinking I was nothing but the most innocent, white, straight Canadian girl I could be.

Tying in to watching deppy, being able to clearly see two real men be actual super best friends and soulmates was moving to me (as my previous fandom right before dnp was troyler, this was a nice difference in the obvious of the relationships lol). And when the summer of 2015 came along and I had nothing better to do than apply for shitty jobs and be online, I spent a lot of time in the tumblr phandom. 2015 was a good year for phan. Maybe I'm biased since it was my first full year of watching them, but fuck it was great. And what was better was that despite how terrified I was of talking to people and making internet friends, people were open and nice if you were looking in the right places. You could be whoever you wanted to be, and barring some assholes, people were accepting of that with open arms. Naturally, being 16 and wondering why I never had any attention from boys and why I haven't had a crush on a boy in over 3 years (as well as being a little haunted by the accidentally lesbian Hey There Delilah music video I made for drama the previous year bc the guy who was supposed to be in the video bailed so...here comes 15 year old Moody to help that bc we need the grade!!), I started to wonder if maybe I liked girls too. And I quickly found out I did (the amount of extremely gay shit I've done my entire life is laughable, truly. It takes one person with trust and authority over you to really keep you in one place huh) and subsequently panicked because...mum was wrong?? I'm...bi?? But no...no, maybe I'm just ace? But...no my sex drive is wayyyy too high to be ace so fuck I guess I'm bi then.

So the panic with labels started. Bi didn't feel right, but I knew I wasn't straight. Pan didn't feel right either when I took it on. So eventually I settled on queer after a bunch of research and breakdowns. But everything was fine right? Because I had that accepting household and my school as pretty open about that stuff and a friend of mine came out as bi a while back, and another as gay more recently so...it's fine? Well. It was until I heard my mum talking about bi people just being confused or secretly gay (she's told this to my face a few times about a friend of mine who IDs as pan and is a drag queen) and about how non-binary people are just troublesome. So I panicked and came out very slowly to my friends. During this time I was assaulted on the bus when my friend and I were heading to the mall after school. I never said anything to anyone but my friends, and I never did anything about it until I heard it was happening to other girls too, but this woman who is clearly very mentally unstable was targeting girls on this specific bus route and calling us slurs and gross lesbians and stuff. She hit me pretty violently with her shopping bag and despite me having trained for 7 years in taekwondo and achieving a first level black belt, I did nothing. Partly because she was clearly very mentally unstable and that's why she was lashing out, but also because I was scared. I never had that happen to me before, at least not in a public space and directly at me. And the way she threw the word lesbian at me terrified me. Not to mention, I got called a lesbian in some spout of grade 5 bullying for a couple weeks so...the word was ruined for me. It meant something wrong for me personally. If someone told me they were a lesbian I wouldn't have an issue. I think that's great. But for me? Clearly it's something wrong. So I bottled that up and went on with being queer. Eventually--and this is so funny bc I mentioned this on twitter after Dan's video and so many people were in the same boat--I wrote my mum a letter about it. I basically told her I like girls too, and queer is the label I prefer and I hope that's okay.

The thing is, it went really well in the moment. Everything was great and while I still needed some adjusting, here I was, a queer girl who was living her life and trying to do so truthfully. Except...a few months after I came out my mum told me how offended she was by the way I came out. "I've always told you how accepting I am, and then you write me a letter like I'm some kind of bigot because you can't say it to my face?" It hurt. It still hurts because she recently said the same thing to me (it's been 3 years since I came out to her). And now she asks for updates on my sexuality like she's entitled to know. Because I made some gay jokes a couple times and she seemed to lose her mind over them. So I felt thrown back into being 16 and confused again. I realised very quickly with some ventures onto dating apps that I was uncomfortable dating men. I didn't want to talk to men about that kind of stuff, and I didn't romantically want to be with them. The immediate ease I felt downloading a women/gnc dating app was like a weight off my shoulders, with a touch of fear because shit...I think I might be a lesbian?

This is getting long, and is probably far too much information than anyone needs so I'll speed it up a bit lol. Basically, I've spent the last year trying to understand what the fuck is going on with me and my sexuality. I spent the first part of it feeling weird because I'm 20 now, I should have this figured out right? I'm too old to think about this right? Wrong, education system, TV shows, people in my life, you ALL failed me. I felt like a freak at 16 when I was just realising I was gay. Because every gay person knows when they're a little kid right? I felt so trapped in this, but honestly immersing myself deep into the phandom and making friends here helped me so much. It felt like when I was 16 and just trying to figure things out again; I had this space that was mine and mine alone where I could be myself and no one would judge me. In fact, a lot of people I knew were going through similar things! I was a comfort, and still is.

Now I can say with confidence that despite everything, I'm quite sure I'm a lesbian. It's the closest label I can get to with accuracy, and actually there's a difference between being attracted to someone and thinking they're attractive to look at! Who would have thunk it?! It still feels weird though, and scary. I think about that incident on the bus and when I was in grade 5 a lot. I think about the fear of presenting that video when I was 14 in drama class, and wishing I could preface it with "I'M NOT A LESBIAN BUT PLEASE ENJOY THIS VIDEO I WORKED HARD ON IT". Basically I'm Gay helped me confront those feelings again, to look at them all together and find peace and comfort in myself. I haven't gone through nearly as much as Dan has, but hearing his story and his struggle with labels and relationship with words helped me so much. I like girls, and I think if I ever find my super best friend and soulmate they'll be a woman (or gnc!), and that's okay. Not being opposed to sex with a dick doesn't make me less of a lesbian, and neither does thinking that male celebrity is cute. Sexuality is so fucking complicated, and I know I'm probably not done dealing with my feelings, but Dan's video really helped me in that sense, and I'm glad to be where I am today with it because of his video.

Okay so because that was ridiculously long and no one really needs to know that much about my personal life lmao whoops (if you're reading this now, I applaud you, I'm so obnoxious) I'm just gonna briefly touch on the Daniel and Depression thing. Much like literally all of the videos on this list, I didn't expect Dan to release a video about his depression, but fuck I'm proud of him and glad he did. Due to family, genetics, socioeconomic issues, actual living conditions, and general confusion about myself, I've struggled with mental illness severely since I was about 13, but in actuality probably longer than that. Because of the nature of the shit that's gone on in my life and the other stuff that's "counteracted" it at the same time, I never thought I had a valid excuse to feel the way I was feeling. Plus, I just thought I was experiencing general teenage angst. I'll be fine! And as my mum would say "I can get over it! I don't have a reason to feel like this, it's all a matter of making myself feel better!" .-.

I did a bit of counselling in high school (which ultimately opened my horizons to it but also made me feel worse as the school counsellor can't do much in the way of diagnosis and therapy, and mine counsellor was also the mother of a total bitch in my grade so yay!!!) and did like, two sessions at the start of university, but I was stuck on that mindset of "I'll be fine! I just have to try hard enough not to feel this way!". Then Dan dropped D&D and I was like "fuck. I relate. well. what am I supposed to do now?" I spent the whole of 2018 with the intention of getting help but I never did until I really found myself in deep after I recovered from pneumonia in December and started back up at uni in January. One day I felt I surge of confidence to book a doctors appointment and the next thing I knew I was numb with the fact that I had depression, not anxiety like I always thought I did, and I was well and truly suffering lol. But I'm getting better now! And that's what matters!

tl;dr (sorry this was so long omg!!) I don't think I would be where I am in life without Dan (and Phil) and those particular videos. This phandom has given me the space and opportunity to be my authentic self unapologetically, and Dan's videos have really helped me in so many ways. I'm grateful, and so glad I fell down the rabbit hole nearly 5 years ago now

I'm loving the posts so far and will be back to reply to stuff and make more comments because boy do I have a lot to say! Keep the posts coming yall

I’ll be back with my own views on dan’s videos but I just want to say now that I appreciate all of the posts above. Thank you all so much for sharing your experience and feelings here.

I think ultimately this is what dan has gifted us: the reassurance that we are not alone in this, and that it’s okay - no, it helps! - to talk about it. I love this.