Phantasy wrote: ↑Tue Jul 20, 2021 8:23 pm
I’m not trying to rain on the wholesome parade, but that last reply “wish 12 year old Phil could have seen this”, I wonder if he recognizes the bit of irony? Presumably Dan and he show no PDA whatsoever (to our knowledge) and I’m not shortchanging all they have done and continue to do for queer visibility and causes… but what about that 12yr old gay or questioning lad today that doesn’t know who Dan and Phil is, maybe seeing a gay couple in an everyday setting walk holding hands would make that same kind of impact today.
I don't know your orientation or life experience. But that's victim blaming.
I understand where you're coming from. Visibility is important. So why shouldn't it be expected?
I'm a queer person who struggled to understand this dichotomy, and worked through it with my (also queer) therapist.
Basically, it's analogous to coming out. It's a good thing to see, but you can't force people to do it if they feel unsafe. The onus should not be put on the oppressed or endangered population, but on the general population to create an environment in which visibility is and feels safe. Dan expressed this overtly in his coming out video.
Yes visibility has been an effective proactive strategy used by queer people to fight the stigma of their existence. But it's a chancy strategy. It risks violence and alienation. Queer people die to this day because of visibility. It's not a strategy you can demand of a person. The front lines are for volunteers.
This policy is clear when you think for example of a young person for whom visibility might mean homelessness. With Dan and Phil you might say - "but they are grown men living in a major 1st world city where homosexuality is practically common place. " But as Dan said in BIG, you can never assume you know everything about someone's live.
Don't forget they have expierence stalkers who sent them death threaths. Dan experienced physical and psychological violence in his life connected to his sexuality - public pda may be something he is not emotionally capable of. Dan and Phil's relationship was sexualized by the strangers nearly from the beginning. The sexualizing of lgbtq people and relationships has been linked to anxiety and depression. There may be other factors we are not aware of.
Dan and Phil are providing visibility in the way that they feel safe doing. They talk about celebrity crushes. They share that they have built a forever home together. They talk about waiting outside an ambulance for the other at three in the morning. Maybe in the future what feels safe for them will change - but it's not something that can be asked.
I try to be as visible as I can, and it's not always as much as I'd like. I worked with children for a good part of my adult life. I hid my sexual orientation because I was afraid it could effect my employment, change whether parents felt safe trusting me with their children. I too lived in a major, lgbtq friendly city. I regretted it when a child I was close to did not feel safe coming out to me, (I heard it from their parent)
but I don't blame myself. I did what seemed best in the moment. I try to be braver daily and help create a world that's safe for everyone. But all I can do is take it moment by moment.
Sorry for the extensive reply. Please know I do not intend for this to be read as an attack, just a (lengthy) clarification on an issue I have experience with from both sides. Love and Peace. -Snoke
The mauve ones are boys and the white ones are girls, and the blue ones are just little sillies who are not sure what they are. - J. M. Barrie