Phil woke up from his third? Fourth? Unsuccessful attempt at sleeping, hearing a gentle, somber sound coming from the room next to his.
He couldn’t decide if he should stay in bed, where it was warm, where he could hear Dan playing piano softly through the wall, where the sound of January rain was quietly pattering on his window that was slightly open. Or get up to see Dan.
He didn’t go into Dan’s room when he played the piano. He usually just laid in his room, listening to how relaxing the sounds were. He understood that Dan wanted to be alone, or that playing the piano was either out of practise or just because he felt the need. He wasn’t sure which was which this time. He debated getting up, and before he knew it he was out of the bed, getting his glasses on and wandering to the bedroom next to his.
He looked down at his pyjama bottoms, brushed off a few small crumbs from the biscuits in bed (which he knew was a bad idea, snacks in bed never turn out well) and tentatively knocked on the half opened door.
“Phil?”
Phil peered into Dans room.
“Hi. Did I interrupt you? Sorry.”
Dan looked up from the piano.
“No no, it’s fine. What are you doing up? It’s like 3am? Oh shit wait did I wake you I just-“
“Hey, I couldn’t sleep, don’t worry. I was just listening to you through the wall… uhh… I’m sorry, I’ll leave you to it”
Phil was about to walk back into his bedroom, face slightly flustered, when Dan got up and reached for his wrist.
“Don’t go.” Dan looked at Phil shyly. Phil felt his chest pang a small bit. Why is it that Dan could look so sad, but so pretty at the same time?
“You play beautifully, you know. You underestimate yourself, Dan. You’re a wonderful piano player, much better than you think you are.” Phil said, all in a bit of a rush.
Dan blushed slightly. Phil could tell because he gets a little red patch on the side of his face, next to his 'sad dimple.’
Phil noticed that Dan was now holding his hand. He looked down, to see their hands intertwined, and looked up at Dan who had watery eyes. A single tear dropped from his face.
“What’s wrong, Dan?”
Dan looked at his hand which was locked with Phil's, then looked up at him, and felt tears streaming down his face.
“I just- does it ever bother you that… do you think…” Dan was tripping over his words, his brain going into overdrive and his mouth not able to catch up.
“Dan?”
Dan was crying now, quietly, just looking at the ground, tears falling onto the cream carpet below him.
Phil reached for his face, gently wiping his tears away with his thumb. Dan looked up into Phil’s eyes, scanning for emotions, which were of course hidden away under the surface.
“Dan, it hurts me so much to see you cry. Please tell me what’s wrong.” Phil embraced Dan, hugging him gently but firm, reassuring him and comforting him.
“Phil, do you think I’m loved? Y’know, like truly? I haven’t had anyone in years tell me and I’m starting to forget what it feels like.”
Phils heart broke. He released Dan from the hug and looked at him. His hair was back from his face, slightly curly and unruly. He was in his usual comfy pj bottoms that Phil always thought he looked cute in (but never said to his face) with his black jumper with the zips on the shoulders. He looked perfect, as he always did, with tears streaming down his face and his eyes slightly red. Phil didn’t know how to respond.
Dan makes Phil's heart flip a tiny bit more each day. He shares looks with him that he’s never shared with anyone. Theres a connection between them, there always has been. There has always been something there and before now, a time ago, there was definitely something. And it got messy. But they stuck together. They’ve never really stated to each other how they felt, though. Not in years. It’s always been something that’s gone unmentioned. The same goes with the late night bed-sharing. The quick “thank you” kisses they sometimes share. The “good night” kisses they quite often share. The “i’m-so-drunk-and-wow-you’re-so-pretty” kisses they always manage to share.
And here they were, standing in the hallway, holding each other.
“Phil. What are we doing? What is happening with us? Sometimes we sleep in the same bed, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we kiss, and it’s amazing, and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we look at each other and it’s almost like we want to say something, but we don’t. I’m tired of trying to guess and I don’t want to pressure you or confuse you but-“
Phil pulled him in and kissed him. A soft, loving kiss, which Dan melted into. Phil then pulled away, cupping Dan’s cheek, smiling at him adoringly.
“Dan. I…I love you. You are loved, by me. I should of told you sooner. But, uh, I’ve kind of loved you from the minute I met you. Nothing has changed. I’m so sorry. But, uh.’’ He tripping over his words and was kind of-no-really hoping he’d say the same back when Dan looked at him and said...
“I love you, too.” Dan smiled.
They looked at each other, tears in their eyes, hands interlocked.
“I play piano sometimes at night, to keep myself pre-occupied. Sometimes i just want to see you... knock on your door and climb into bed with you, and uh... I mean we’ve never said what we are, if we're anything... and I’ve never known the boundaries really. So, some nights I get sad and I let it out through music. It’s therapeutic, and it works for a while, but it’s never quite enough. It’s never quite... you.” Dan said, slightly shaking, his hands fidgeting around in Phil’s.
Phil wondered how somebody could be so poetically beautiful.
“You have me now.” Phil smiled warmly.
And with that, Phil pulled up from his piano, into his room and climbed into bed with Dan. Phil’s hands wrapping around Dans waist, Dan's chest thudding slightly faster.
“Christ you are cold, Phil. How do you ever sleep?”
“Well maybe if you budged up a little bit we could keep each other warm” Phil said, smirking slightly at Dan.
“Alright, alright I’m budging... jesus christ the things I have to do. After confessing my love...”
They looked at each other and laughed softly.
“The rain is so nice, I’m sorry my piano was overshadowing the sound of it. Rains always good to fall asleep to.”
“If you weren’t playing piano, I may not have come into your room, and you and I probably wouldn’t be lying together after telling each other that we love one another. Which would you prefer? I know what i’d pick, Dan.”
“Thank you for your input, Phil. As always, you speak the truth.” Dan said with a smidge of sarcasm.
“Of course I do, now shhhh I can’t hear the rain over your voice.” Phil nudged Dan to be quiet.
Dan turned around to meet Phil's eyes, and for a second he was going to act offended, but he decided on kissing him instead. They exchanged warm, soft kisses under the covers, with the rain a gentle patter in the background. They then looked at each other, studying each other in the dimly lit room. They looked at each other with so much love. All of which was clear and shared between millions of people on the internet, but never shared between the two. Not like this anyway. Maybe subtly, between little looks in the kitchen after making coffee, the slight hand touching they sometimes did while on the tube coming home, the cuddling on the sofa whilst watching crap tv. Somehow, they always knew. But it was always unspoken.
The actions spoke louder than words, and they couldn’t hear them.
But now they definitely can.
“I love you, Phil.”
“I love you too, Bear.”
Dan closed his eyes, smiling shyly, wondering why they didn’t say anything sooner.