Dan & Phil Part 85: the phildom

[Phantasy]

I’m just really happy to finally see a #1 trending 45min video about a member of the queer community that isn’t about drama or trashy clout wars.

What a positive and wholesome representation for Pride Month and for the entire queer community to see a youtuber/ celebrity share his story that will undoubtedly inspire so many others.

And not to mention in such a cynical age and where everything is treated like a reality tv show and seemingly every influencer (gay or straight) is trying to gain views for who can be messiest... to want to respectfully keep some things private, but also lowkey confirm a (presumably monogamous) gay relationship between soulmates has been going strong for 10 years is so so endearing and uplifting and incredibly positive for anyone, regardless of orientation, but especially LGBTQ+ youth who through pop culture and media know almost everything about gay love through the lens of tinder/grindr hookup culture where everything is so fleeting.

The gay/queer community is blessed today and gained an amazing ambassador. I for one am so inspired.

[Cafil]

Basically everyone has already said what I wanted to say but I never realized how much both Dan and Phils presence has made my life feel a little happier and more hopeful until this day as I was watching that video and I was emotionally moved to the point that I started crying and now as I think about that I can express how much just watching their videos has made me live my life thinking that there is happiness that nothing is just doom and gloom and I really have to be thankful for that. I don't think I could ever express how thankful I am for that, to feel validated here in this community, maybe I'm not the most vocal but even just listening and seeing others just talk about how they also have been impacted it makes me feel not so alone anymore.

(I'm sorry for this blob I typed it on my phone lol)

[lefthandedism]

I have a thousand things to do, but I've watched that video twice already and read so much of the social media.....Truly an amazing video, and I'm also just so glad to have him back.

When Dan talked about (twice!) jumping on bi as a label even if it didn't quite fit, that did funny things to my little bi heart. Bi has always been the perfect label for me, which makes it a little hard to understand when people use it for other reasons than a perfect fit. But I was thrilled when he embraced queer as a label--I too find it all-encompassing, and like how it's always a little in-your-face.

Some of the most painful bits for me were when Dan talked about his father--what a difficult relationship that clearly has been! It's so sad that Dan's family seems to have had some toxic dynamics; but clearly his relationship with his grandma is still strong if it's ok for him to call her a dick on the internet.

And, y'all, it's entirely possible that Dan and Phil can be best friends, soulmates, and companions for life--that is, in a committed romantic relationship--and Dan wouldn't mind if someone slipped into his dms. I continue to be confident that phan is real, but I don't think monogamy is a requirement for that realness.

Thanks, Dan, for making millions of people's June so much better (2.2m views in the first 8 hours).

[pastelspectre]

i... am at a loss for words. im just so incredibly proud of dan. im sure that was not easy. and now, looking back i understand why he acted the way he did and said the things he did in 2012.

to be honest dans video today encouraged me to come out sexuality wise on my family facebook. im trying out the term queer. it feels... right.

[rikonee]

I’m just really happy to finally see a #1 trending 45min video about a member of the queer community that isn’t about drama or trashy clout wars.

What a positive and wholesome representation for Pride Month and for the entire queer community to see a youtuber/ celebrity share his story that will undoubtedly inspire so many others.

And not to mention in such a cynical age and where everything is treated like a reality tv show and seemingly every influencer (gay or straight) is trying to gain views for who can be messiest... to want to respectfully keep some things private, but also lowkey confirm a (presumably monogamous) gay relationship between soulmates has been going strong for 10 years is so so endearing and uplifting and incredibly positive for anyone, regardless of orientation, but especially LGBTQ+ youth who through pop culture and media know almost everything about gay love through the lens of tinder/grindr hookup culture where everything is so fleeting.

The gay/queer community is blessed today and gained an amazing ambassador. I for one am so inspired.

Everything about this comment is...wow. Thank you for saying this.

Also I’m glad that Dan is receiving a lot of support from fellow creators (Troye tweeted, aw), people who discovered him for the first time, etc.

[alittledizzy]

Senpai noticed him!

[lefthandedism]

Natalie comments on Dan's aesthetic.

[anathema]

Also...I don't know why my ears perked up at this, but he referred to Phil with the pronoun "them" at one point. I don't know if that was just a slip of the tongue, or if that's a pronoun Phil prefers... Idk, just caught my attention in a video full of attention-grabbing things.

Also, this stuck out to me too, ngl. I've been vaguely intrigued by Phil's relationship to gender neutral pronouns after he suddenly (at least it seemed so to me) started using gender neutral pronouns for anyone whose gender identity he didn't know for sure. He did it so consistently and so effortlessly that I kinda thought there must be a reason. Initially I thought maybe he knew someone who's nonbinary or uses they/them pronouns, but who knows. Most likely it's a flub or just weird phrasing, but it did catch my attention. But I'm biased.

I took it as a general “them.” Right before he said “this was someone” (around 22:22) so I think Dan just said them because most people use that pronoun when talking about “someone.” Regardless, I’m not sure speculating about it is really appropriate considering Dan spent a portion of his video talking about how harmful it was to him (so presumably Phil too) to have people speculating and how they both want to keep their personal lives private.

Anyway, WOW that video was a lot to process. I’m honestly shocked about just how much he opened up. He could have very easily made a five minute video being like “ya I’m not straight ha” but instead he gave us more than any of us deserve. The fact that he was willing to be so open to not only explain his past but to also give other people in the community hope is really admirable. I’m looking forward to what this brings in the future

[plinthofmylife]

Troye did as well:

[yellowsubmarine]

I, like many others, are logging in to show my dormant, but always present love for Dan Howell.
I cannot lie I distanced myself from their content since the middle of the last tour because they weren't going anywhere near me, and I just gained other interests.

But the love I have for that man is so much, it truly never left me. I missed him for a whole year, and when I got that notification, at first I couldn't believe it. I had to get myself home ASAP because as soon as I saw the title I knew I had to sit down.

The Dan in that video is so beautiful. A confident man expressing himself with the rawest of emotions, he shone so brightly. I teared up at the middle and a little at the end, because I missed him so much and because I could see how accomplished he looked.

And this video highlighted what I always loved about a Dan video: his humor, editing, and storytelling. Those 3 are the killer combo that drew me in all those years ago.

I just got myself together because everything he said resonated deep in my (obviously not real) soul. I have nothing but love for him and wish him the best from now on. He is already making the biggest impact, this is only the beginning. ❤

[cocolero]

Now that I’ve watched it a few times, I’m taking that last one back.

A lot of what Dan said hit home - but none more so than how he describes his relationship with Phil. I guess I just didn’t see it, but it’s the exact same relationship I have with my husband. Sure, physical romance is important, but a relationship that goes well beyond that, to where the physical really isn’t that important anymore... when you’re totally beyond that because you love the person deeply, on a level far beyond that...it’s an incredible thing and I’m so glad they found that. I wish more people could experience love at its most potent - where you remain individuals but are eternally bound, not by some bs ceremony or by a fluid exchange... but because you simply have to be.

I’m rambling but it’s good to see.

[DnP1991]

'Dan Howell' is trending on reddit! He's really made waves everywhere!

[idk]

The only word and emotion I keep coming back to is pride. I am so immeasurably completely and overwhelmingly proud of Dan.

I’ve been thinking about him talking about the June video last year and I can’t help but think of him saying then, “I did that trying to live my truth video and I was heading forward with a lot of intent and then I was going to make another video but I thought about it a lot I probably spent a bit too much time thinking about it...” and then his tweet today saying, “I always wanted to upload this next video in the month of June.. it ended up taking an entire year longer than I thought but here we are again and now it is time…” confirming that it was the same video. I’m glad he took his time to come out absolutely when he was ready and completely on his own terms. I respect how much of a deliberate decision this was for him. And that he wanted to do it specifically in pride month. Mad respect, man.

The video itself was phenomenal. And brave. And courageous. And admirable. And about a million other things.

Dan was able to maintain an air of gravitas and seriousness whilst balancing it out with comedic jibes. He balanced quintessential Dan humour and self deprecation with incredibly heavy stuff and information and opinions. And he did it well. It was both heartbreaking and heart warming and I commend him greatly for it. It took an immense amount of courage and bravery to make this video, to go in depth about intimate and personal details like he did.

He was so incredibly vulnerable about the things he’s been through and thought and experienced and I greatly admire his continued openness and vulnerability about his on-going and current fear of not being accepted. This stuff takes an immeasurable amount of courage particularly as he lives his life on such a large scale.

The fact that he openly discussed his attempt on his life and said that he didn’t tell anyone right up until that moment in the video genuinely hurt. There are no words to describe how proud I am of him and how proud he should be of himself.

My heart aches for younger Dan. He has clearly been through a lifetime of undeserved pain and I’m incredibly glad it got (and continues to be) better for him. Also loved the casual mention (and subsequent continued normalisation) of his therapist.

I definitely think the two tours, but particularly Interactive Introverts, had a large impact on Dan. Seeing how so many people in his audience are also queer and diverse and I’m glad he found comfort and strength in that.

I appreciated him acknowledging that he is an able bodied, white, cis man and that it could have been harder for him and that he is privileged in those respects.

I also have mad respect for Dan thanking all the people who came before him. No doubt many will feel this way towards Dan. It’s a beautiful world. This video will (and already has) change lives. He deserves to be more than proud of that and of himself.

I’m not going to get into too many of the finer details of the video but the thing I keep coming back to is that he only told his own family this month. This month in this year. After several attempts this year at that. That was honestly shocking to me. And I’m proud of him for it.

I also appreciated how heart-warmingly and overwhelmingly Dan it was of him to tell his family by sending an email entitled ‘to the family from the awkward one’. I love him.

It was heartwarming to see his grandma who we know he loves and values a lot respond with warmth and love. And it was warming to see the support from the other members of his remaining family.

Dan talking about the impact Phil has had on his life is so sweet and so profound imo. Dan I Don’t Believe In Soulmates Howell saying Phil is his soulmate, saying he found him when he needed him most, that Phil was a safe space for him… man, quite frankly it kinda hurts.

I am absolutely and completely in awe of their relationship and the endless and unwavering support they have for one another. Chris once said that the relationship between Dan and Phil is something that most people will never experience and I think that’s poignantly true. I’m glad they have each other.

I loved the way he talked about Phil but didn’t speak for Phil. Everything was completely his experience and in relation to him. And I respect that he put this as a disclaimer in the description of the video.

I also wanted to take a minute to appreciate Phil and his tweet. So classically and comfortingly Phil. Proud of him too. Also the way he showed that this was something they had talked about together is beautiful. The potential that Phil may get more personal with his content, even if it’s just a single video, is so intriguing. I wish him more than luck for it. Also, Phil calling Dan’s video a ‘masterpiece’ also holds so much weight and warmth.

In terms of the aesthetics of the video: I thought it was visually stunning. I liked the chaptering and the visual light colour changes as the chapters changed. I love how you could tell he’s been heavily influenced by Natalie in the video and I think it works well for him. I thought him switching out skits for drawings was a cool move and added to the visual pleasure of the video. I’m intrigued to see where he goes aesthetically from here.

All I have wanted for Dan is peace of mind and I hope (and think) this is a landmark turning point for him on that journey. I can’t imagine how he must feel now that he’s discussed it publicly on a platform with millions of people subscribed to him and on his own terms. I hope he wakes up feeling relieved and knowing he’s loved and supported and understood and free to go about his life openly from here on out. In control of what he shares. Sharing because he wants to.

I can’t imagine how it must feel for him seeing people he has openly admired like Owen Jones and Olly Alexander, amongst all his fellow peers, directly publicly supporting him. Also been thinking about that old liveshow in which Dan talked about how he cried when Connor Franta made his coming out video and now Connor’s congratulating him.

I am filled with nothing but pride and admiration seeing his contemporaries and peers and those he respects respond to him with warmth and love and support, seeing him get over 2 million views in 7 hours, seeing him trend worldwide on twitter for hours, seeing his video trending at number 1 on youtube. He deserves this. I hope he takes comfort from it.

I’m impossibly glad that he (and Phil) can move forward with their lives proudly and openly on their terms in their own way. I wish them nothing but luck in the next chapter of their lives. I wish both him and Phil nothing but a continued life time of happiness.

[dontpanic]

It just hit me that we're never going to have to endure another think-piece on "500 ways Dan and Phil queerbait their audience." This is truly a marvelous day

[mysterylovescompany]

casually logging back in after deleting my fandom twitter and focusing on rl and other cool things. haven't posted in ages and probably won't post much again if ever but felt the need to come back and visit after dan's video. it was a lovely video and though i related to like 0% of it i appreciated dan's honesty and courage. he has such resilience and strength of character and it's so awesome to see how far he's come. i don't think i can ever watch it again because i'm softhearted and some parts were too intense (suicide attempt, relentless bullying, feeling incredibly depressed, etc). also was anyone absolutely mesmerised by dan's GIANT hands???

i would say i missed idb but i didn't really since the constant obsession was unhealthy for me. hope you all take care of yourselves out there

[human]

I was out late last night, missed the video upload and only just watched it, so it still seems surreal that such a perfect video has been graced upon us. I'll have to watch it again just to double check that yes, Dan actually worked hard on this and put it out there and was so brave and articulate and beautiful and I'm so full of pride for him and everyone who will reap such wonderful support from this.

I need. To re-watch and come back with more thoughts. I'm just so happy for and proud of him. This was so very personal for him, can't imagine how he felt leading upto this and putting it out there and I'm just so thankful he did so. God, I just can't right now. I need to go collect my thoughts. And cry out of joy.

[mathsniel]

Just another non active person popping in to say how proud I am of Dan. I had a very similar experience (albeit with gender not sexuality) and my teen years would have been so much easier with something like this to watch from someone so well recognised.

My younger brother watched it and made a comment about having never felt so understood, as well. He's quiet and doesn't talk about his school life that much but we know he's had trouble before for his sexuality too. I'm so happy he's got something as tangible as a proof that it does get better ❤

[Phantasy]

3M views in 12hrs. Not too shabby, Mr. Howell.

[momoroki]

Logged in for the first time in 2 years to join the party. I'm sure that what I'm about to say has already been said about 3 billion times but I guess that's just a testament to how many lives Dan has managed to touch and make better. The two of them have been a part of the background of my life for the majority of my 18 years on this earth, like these two comforting household spirits that I can always turn to if I'm in need of anything from light amusement to solace on a particularly bad day. I admire Dan so, so much for not only working through his internalised oppression (prejudice that had literally been violently beaten into him from the age of 5) but also putting all his reservations aside and becoming a voice for all the LGBT youth that feel like their voices can't be heard. I can't even imagine the amount of courage this took - and I really do hope he knows how much this means to both his LGBT audience and just anyone who is struggling with their sexuality (although I'm sure he does). Just in case he's reading this: from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[itasca00]

Yes, today I woke up, and I decided that this was the right day for me to be utterly and completely destroyed. It was on my schedule. Then Dan tweeted and uploaded. And kabloom!!! It happened. Dan obliged me. Everything today went exactly to plan.

I can’t tell you how incredible I found this video, both in terms of content and style. I can’t tell you how meaningful I found this video both as a gay man and as a fan of Dan and Phil’s. I’ve been watching YouTube since 2007, and there are a lot of videos that I hold close to my heart. This video is right there with them.

If I had the time, I would probably just transcribe the whole damn video with timestamps at the start of each new paragraph. But I don’t, so I’ll have to hope that (extensive) highlights will be enough to do it justice. Here they are:

• [0:02] This video is a Not-Currently-Immolated production. I lol’d at the danisnotonfire joke.
• [0:28] If the title of the video wasn’t enough, Dan immediately says that he’s not straight.
• [1:26] Dan says he’s pretty sure that anyone that knows him doesn’t think he’s straight, so he doesn’t feel the need to “come out” so much as "clarify what the hell is going on.”
• Throughout this video, Dan says a bunch of things that I perceive to be innuendos. The first occurs at [1:42], where Dan describes himself as “impenetrable.”
• [2:10] Dan starts to tell a queer little story about a boy named Dan. At the start of Dan’s story, he absolutely lays into his father:

  D: When I was a young boy, my father didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident, and he was a narcissistic, proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life. And this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems with--Sorry, that’s not all relevant right now.

• [2:37] Dan shows a picture of him from when he was 5 years old. This is followed by two more pictures with (presumably) his mother and grandparents.
• [4:12] Dan tells the story of him starting school. He was running around the playground when two brothers came up to him, pushed him to the ground, kicked him in the stomach, and called him “gay.” This was the first time he had ever heard that word.
• [5:05] Dan says he wasn’t looking to define himself as a child. He says he indiscriminately played "doctors and nurses" with various friends, and once one of their moms caught him and two friends completely naked on a bed sticking tape to each other’s butts.
• [5:45] Dan says that there was one bully who really had it in for him. At [6:40], Dan reveals that he thinks this bully was secretly a little gay. One time, the bully invited him to have a sleepover, and he asked Dan in the middle of the night, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” Dan didn’t really understand what he meant, and he thinks the bully was disappointed.
• [6:11] Dan talks about his first “girlfriend” who he dated for six weeks and who he kissed once during a game of spin-the-bottle. The girl ended up dumping him over speakerphone while she was at a birthday party that everyone except for Dan had been invited to.
• [7:32] Interestingly, Dan bleeps the word “faggot.” I think this is the only word in the whole video that’s bleeped. As Dan was talking about Eminem, perhaps it's just a reference to the way swear words used to be bleeped on the radio back in the day.
• [7:50] Dan shows an old photo of him in his secondary school uniform. There’s an even better photo of him as a “greebo” at [8:22].
• [7:55] Dan tells the story of his first interaction in secondary school. A guy with a “hedgehog”-like haircut called him a poof.
• [9:05] Dan tells the story of his first crush. He was in English class sitting next to his friend with black hair and bright (blue) eyes, and he started to have some...feelings. At [9:49], the story continues. Dan fell hard for his friend, who didn’t feel the same way. This crushed Dan. Years later, it turned out that his friend was actually gay, and Dan is bitter.
• [10:13] Dan says that he stopped going to church with his grandmother when he was 13 years old. He felt like he didn’t belong there, but also Christianity had stopped making sense to him by this point.
• [10:35] Dan talks about the term “emo” arriving and it bringing with it the term “bisexual.” He started identifying as bi to his close friends and on his public Myspace. He says his emo friends were great. They used to get together, make out with each other, listen to music, and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until they got sick on each other.
• [12:01] Dan talks about rumors starting to spread through his neighborhood that he was bi. He says that one day a friend in French class told him (unprompted) that he thought Dan was bi because Dan gave off a bi vibe, and this upset Dan a lot.
• [12:38] Innuendo #2:

  D: Sorry that I give off mixed signals...I’m versatile.

• [12:42] Dan says that being bi was a social upgrade. Some of the boys that used to bully Dan started to lowkey flirt with him, and some “stuff” happened.
• [13:28] Dan talks about his emo friends disappearing and how he had no other friends to fall back on. He says he had no friends for a year.
• [14:04] Dan talks about how the ways in which he was bullied reached new heights:

  D: The things people used to say off-hand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window, not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school, and the lowkey pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes.

• [14:40] Dan says that he never reacted because that would be giving the bullies what they wanted. He also says that this has had a long-term effect on his relationship with emotion. He says that no one stood up for him when he needed them to. He doesn’t blame them, but he does resent them.
• [15:10] Dan says that teachers saw him being bullied and did nothing. One even saw it and laughed because “boys will be boys.”
• [15:23] Dan says that, at home, “some shit was going down,” and he references “economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues.” He didn’t feel that he could ask his family for help, mainly due to his dad:

  D: Funny guy. Kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but, at the same time, used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so, uh... Picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice.

• [16:52] The next year, Dan came back to school “quiet and serious and fully straight.” He needed some new friends, so he joined the “in-betweeners.” These people were the exact middle ground between nerds and people who desperately wanted to be cool. These people knew lots of girls, which was good for Dan’s image, and they were also rather homophobic. At [20:56], he says that 5 of these friends have come out as gay since graduation.
• [18:09] Dan talks about getting a girlfriend. He says it was pretty messed up. He says he loved her as a friend and was genuinely attracted to her. But he was also frigid towards her and led her on.
• [18:55] Despite having a girlfriend, Dan was still bullied for being gay. He tells a story of some neighborhood guys, having gotten into alcohol and drugs, “joking” about burning down Dan’s tent at Reading Festival while he was sleeping in it. He also says they “joked” about a notoriously unstable guy saying he was going to kill Dan “next Saturday.”
• [19:11] Dan says this was the lowest point of his life. He talks about praying to God, even though he didn’t really believe in Him, to make him straight. He continues:

  D: But I saw no end. No escape. No way to change the world or who I was. So one evening, I thought,Fuck it, and I attempted suicide.
  
  D: I say “attempted” because, just before it was too late, I thought, [from the video captions] Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What have I done? What have I done? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What will your grandma think? Don’t do this to her. She tried her best, and she loves you. Your family aren’t total dicks, and this will fuck them up. Can’t you just get over it? Surely. You’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now? Really? What was the point? I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die, so not a great choice if I’m being blunt.
  
  D: Felt kind of bad for a few days. Otherwise, I pretended it never happened, and I didn’t tell anyone. Until now. Literally.

• [21:14] Dan references Chris Crocker’s ancient “Leave Britney Alone!” video. Poor Chris. That meme is truly going to follow him around until the day he dies.
• [21:16] Dan talks about wanting to go to college but first spending a boring gap year working at Asda to make some money. He also talks about getting a Twitter account and starting his YouTube channel. He also got a Formspring because he liked the attention, and bisexual Dan made a triumphant return.
• [22:05] Innuendo #3:

  Wow, I had a lot of fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say: I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system too. Sorry.

• [22:14] Dan talks about his relationship with Phil before moving on to some of his boundaries:

  D: And this is when, though the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously, we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them, and, for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life.
  
  D: We are real best friends. Companions through life. Like, actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with. And especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I've dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference.
  
  D: And I bet so many people want to know so much more about that, which, honestly, I take as a compliment, but here’s the thing: I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life. And then, as soon as something changes, suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera.
  
  D: I don’t want that. I want to do certain things without an audience. I want to be spontaneous. I don’t want to feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a public statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position.
  
  D: And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I’m also a disgusting pervert, but the specific minutiae of who I be fucking, when, why, where, how long, how. Eh, I mean...

• [23:57] Dan talks about how we can talk about how it’s good to be out in general, but he says that aggressively speculating about someone’s sexuality or trying to out someone is really bad. He doesn’t want to see any reactions to this video saying that people already knew, especially because he wasn’t exactly subtle about not being straight before this video.
• [25:11] Dan gets back to his story. He says that, in 2011, he felt that his relationship with his audience changed:

  D: There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people, it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life, which I thought was a bit strange. ‘Cause inevitably, like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share.
  
  D: And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited. But I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight, and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this. And what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction.
  
  D: It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal, so I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most, I’m sure, just wanted what was best for me, and I feel such genuine sadness, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice. But I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time, so I had to do something to contain it.
  
  D: I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just jokin’ around. [shows screenshot of his "fyi I like vagina" tweet] Others were super defensive that, in my panic, came across like, “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight,” when all I really meant was, “Please fuck off, and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers. Thank you.”

• [27:17] Dan says that the experience of trying to deny his sexuality online triggered some serious PTSD. He decided to put everything related to his sexuality in a box for him to deal with later.
• [28:10] Innuendo #4:

  D: And I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot... I have big hands with a very wide reach…for playing piano you fucking--Get your mind out of the gutter!

• [28:54] There are several instances in this video where Dan is seriously horny-on-main. This is one of them:

  D: So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it. From everyone. God, I’m so thirsty!

• [29:41] Dan says that he never met an out gay person until he was 18. Same. He says that if he had, or if there had been better gay representation in the media, he wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. He thanks everyone that came before him that helped make the world seem welcoming for him.
• [30:23] Dan talks about his ways of procrastinating from dealing with his sexuality:

  D: And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to ensure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Uh… Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want.

• [31:58] Dan does an impression of the highly nuanced discourse that happens online regarding sexuality:

  D: Would you like a fuck?

• [32:39] Dan talks about how labels are used by humans to form preconceived notions about a person without having to bother to think.
• [33:00] Dan shows the background for a “serotonin-deficiency wave” music video. There is a statue that is clearly made from a picture of Dan’s head, and I can’t help but wonder if it is also made from a picture of Dan’s chest... The characters “可愛らしい” also appear on the screen. Google says that they mean “lovely” in Japanese and “cute” in Chinese.
• [33:24] Dan shows his “label.” It reads, “highly flammable.” Once again, I am highly amused by the danisnotonfire joke.
• [33:53] Dan says that gender identity is not his issue. He feels comfortable being called a man/"a tol boye from England”. He also says that being a man means nothing to him. He wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or “a sickening pair of heels” (but that would be a disaster because he can’t even draw in a straight line). He also wouldn’t be upset if he was referred to as a “formless blob” or “she.”
• [34:49] Dan says that, to him, the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown with regard to sexuality is a bit daunting and confusing. It also stresses him out because he almost finds it constrictive. But he recognizes that it’s really important to many people.
• [35:44] Dan says that his confusion regarding labels held him back from talking about his sexuality for a long time. He doesn’t feel that he has to be specific, and he says that Harry Styles and Janelle Monáe (both of whom he looks up to and respects) have said that they don’t feel the need to label their sexualities. He says he feels the exact same way.
• [36:04] Nevertheless, Dan is willing to give in to pressures from society/his audience and endeavor to give himself an accurate label:

  D: But I get it. For me, you want a word. Ugh, that’s hard, though! I’m a really annoying guy!
  
  D: I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say, “I’m an atheist.” Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit ‘bout shit, and neither does anyone else. I mean, I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like dick, but I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here.
  
  D: Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is...super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama--Well, fuck! Let’s close that shit up.
  
  D: One thing’s for sure: Whatever "heterosexual" is, I ain’t it. Really, if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet-to-be-understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And, trust me, I’ve known a lot of “straight guys” until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact. And suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them?
  
  D: And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay, or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms? It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to! I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like--if you’re covered in it or a fucking beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest: I’m not picky. I’m easy.
  
  D: So am I bi or pan or poly? Well now we’re just back in a clusterfuck of defining language, and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t, as it is a slur, but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life, I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling.
  
  D: The definition makes sense because, until society is equal with all sexual and gender identities, it is literally “strange from a conventional viewpoint.” Plus, it’s better than a super long acronym. It’s inclusive of everyone, and therefore great for formless blobs.
  
  D: There we go! An identity I feel comfortable with: A highly strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO. Yeet!
  
  D: But, to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart, the word "gay" scares me. Because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this. I’m gay.
  
  D: Oh, look! Didn’t spontaneously fucking combust! Well, there we go! That was a lot of stress about nothing. Wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So, yep. I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry, I’m still filled with existential fear.

• [38:59] Dan says he still has a lot of fears, and coming out to his family was one of them. He says he has problems connecting emotionally with his family, and he reveals that he only came out to them this month. He tried to come out in person to them several times before now, but he just couldn’t do it. So he sent them an email. Same. The email read:

  To the family from the awkward one
  
  Hello gang
  
  I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s Birthday, then last Easter Sunday etc but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to.
  
  So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird, but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.
  
  Basically I’m gay.

• [40:28] Dan's family's response was very supportive and positive. From an unnamed relative:

  I can imagine it isn’t an easy thing to announce especially if you’ve kept it in for some time. Big respect for having the courage to announce it like you did!

  From his mom:

  Blimey that must be a load off after all this time !!.
  Needless to say I love you with all my heart and always will ,
  
  Mum xxxx

  From his grandmother:

  We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are.
  Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it.
  
  I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretence.
  
  (Don’t Forget the i-pad)

• [41:11] Dan's here to spread the good word about the joys of being fucked.

  D: And sure, here online, there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like, literally. I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it, and you might learn something about yourself.

• [41:54] Dan says he worries about not being accepted by the community (of gender and sexual minorities/of LGBTQIA+ people). He says that most of the community is wonderful, but there’s also a lot of drama in it, especially online. He continues:

  D: So even though they my people, I know some of them will have problems with something.
  
  D: And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a small introvert such as myself.
  
  D: And in my mind, if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long, then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again. And this is a fear that a lot of people have. Honestly.
  
  D: But I’m a nice guy, and I’m trying my best! So you better be welcoming, you bunch of fucking queers!

• [43:44] Dan provides us with some “highly illegal and cursed asmr.”
• [44:00] Dan explains why he felt the need to make a coming out video. He says that he wanted people to understand him. He says that queer people are often invisible and suffering before they have to come out. He says that coming out is often not a pleasant experience outside of big cities and around the world. He says that this is not a fight that is anywhere near over.
• [44:38] Dan gives a heartfelt message to anyone who isn't out:

  D: To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way. It’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe, and that’s fine too. Just know that living your truth with pride is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better, and the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

• [45:12] Horny-on-main Dan returns to end the video:

  D: So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs, and you can all fuck off and leave me alone. Bye.

• No merch links in the video description. Dan does list social media links (without Tumblr), and he credits Phil for production assistance. There’s also this:

  Disclaimer - This video is just a starting point for me, what I felt was the bare minimum (ha) required for me to get this out there so I can move forward with my life, a mix of explanation, justification and opinion. It scratched the surface of several things I could have gone into more detail about, but the purpose of this was to be ..reasonably concise and above all entertaining. In the future, in the right places, I will surely talk much more about everything touched on in this video and more. It’s also likely that something will get misunderstood or misrepresented, perhaps from the way I phrased things or people assuming my thoughts on things that I didn’t specify. Also my story is just the truth of what happened to me and what I thought at certain points of time in my environment, good and bad - of course not my opinions today. So JUST to be clear my opinion on general sexual and gender identities are that everyone is valid and deserves equal rights and the freedom to exist. The only thing I don’t tolerate is intolerance. Cheers to an inevitable bright future, either because people become nice and the old people die or the sun explodes first lmao.

[Evening42]

I haven’t had time to read all the previous dialogue but I’m just dropping in to say I’m so happy that Dan felt safe enough to come out. It must have been so difficult for him. Great that he is helping others through his video. And such amazing support from Phil.

[nephilimcat]

When I woke up this morning and saw someone mention a Dan on tumblr making a coming out video, I immediately thought "Dan ... Howell!?" and I looked at his channel and there it was. And now I'm here, 45 minutes later.

Holy. Shit.

I'm so fucking proud. The things he went through, I cannot even imagine some of it. And you know, when I was last checking up on him (if you can call checking whether he posted on social media "checking up on someone"), I was really worried, I thought he was probably in a bad depressive episode, I hoped everything was okay with him and Phil, that he was just retreating for creative purposes and not because he wasn't doing well.

It seems like both has been the case. Things must've been so hard for him, knowing he wanted to come out online but not having been out to his family. Being in a relationship for such a long time and your family not knowing, wow! I really expected that maybe his father or another person in the family didn't know and that's why he wasn't more open but his entire family? Besides him being in a relationship? That must've been so difficult to navigate. I'm so happy for him that he can be open with them now, especially his grandma, considering he seems to be closest to her. I truly believed he was out to his grandma already, if not anyone else!

You know, I didn't really expected a coming out video from him. Or at least not one that mentioned Phil. Because we all know how private they both are, he said so himself. I thought that was what was holding him back, not wanting to out Phil as well. But it seems like perhaps I got it wrong, maybe Phil would've been fine with it the whole time but it was Dan who was not ready. That kind of surprised me, tbh. But then, thinking about it, Phil has been more and more casual about his attraction to men in recent years while Dan has often dropped hints in a defensive/aggressive way ("What even is your sexuality?" comes to mind). Thinking back, you can tell he wasn't ready but wanted to be. Phil seemed more at ease with himself and that's probably because he's out to his family and friends and they likely know that he's with Dan, considering he accompanied Phil to the family holiday several times.

When he talked about his suicide attempt and that he never talked about it before, my heart stopped. Because I related to it so much, I was in the exact same situation and nobody knows, I've only alluded to it a little but I have not even told my therapist. It's so heartbreaking to know that Dan went through the same thing and so wonderful to know he's doing well now (and I am too). It just goes to show how things get better and you should never give up

Anyway, I probably won't be active here now. Maybe I won't even start watching Dan and Phil videos again. But I will check back every now and then and I'm proud of Dan (and Phil too, in a way it was his coming out as well). I wish them all the best.

Edit: Actually, one of the reasons why I left the Phandom was because I didn't like how much I shipped Phan, since I disagree with shipping real people. I also lost interest, but mainly I was ashamed of myself, knowing Dan and Phil wouldn't appreciate it. What he said in the video, confirms that for me. And yet of course, a part of me still screamed "Omg, Phan is real!" I hope people don't spam him and Phil with that. His sexuality is more than Phan and he is more than both.

Happy Pride!

[proudpanda]

[black_rat]

I now have watched the video three times and the thing I love most about it, is that Dan wanted to make a full on 45 minute video about it, and talking and explaining his past and his feelings. I know that proud is definitely a feeling I am feeling, but also sadness about how bad things were for him and how it has left a lasting impact.

So now I have moved on to re-watch some of his older videos that are kind of related. If anyone wants to also watch them, I put them here:

(also I am sorry for bringing this up, but dan said "we love working together", so maybe joint (regular) content isn't dead? or it is, who knows)

[feenix]

[this is a rambled mess, I am at work, forgive me]

*Crawls out of the woodwork* It's an understatement to say I was shocked when I saw this video in my sub box. I was actually very wine drunk, sitting on the toilet, and I screamed. I just didn't think this day would ever come. I'd resigned myself to thinking Dan would stay in a private cocoon for most of his internet lifetime. I can't even begin to express how much pride I feel for him right now. I watched it with my best friend with whom I went through all of our own coming outs together - both of us thinking we were bi, both of us now lesbians, and she a transwoman. So watching our one (1) favourite boy tell his story together really hit home for both of us. I think she related to some of the specifics more than I did.

His fear of the word "gay" is something I understand. Growing up I heard the word "lesbian" as a negative - it was either related to porn, or from girls in the locker rooms calling you a "lezza" if you looked anywhere other than the floor. I made myself be okay with the word before I could come out to anyone, because it's hard to control the language other people use for you. I'm glad I did, because while I came out as gay, I was immediately called a lesbian by other people. So even though it was a word I wasn't using for myself yet, at least I was okay with it. I really hope Dan reaches the same level of comfort with the word gay as I have with the word lesbian. It breaks my heart that he has gone through so much pain and hurting in his life and my heart breaks in a completely different way knowing how much he has found healing through his relationship with Phil.

I find so much comfort in his videos and his existence and I'm insanely proud that he has finally found that comfort with us and with his family so he can live his life openly.

TL;DR I'm soft and gay and crying at work because I'm so proud of him