Dan & Phil Part 90: Fish Daddies

[alittledizzy]

[rizzo]

Dan's interview is up finally!!

[plinthofmylife]

Favorite quote thus far : "There were certain people in my life, that had no idea. I had friends that, honestly, would be like "so, are you going to get a girlfriend at some point?' and I'd be like 'so you have no idea' even though we'd been friends for 5 years"

[Megancita75]

I'm not going to be able to watch this for a couple hours, but I wonder if Dan's midnight cookie dough craving from yesterday was related to maybe some anxiety over this or not. I wonder if he given a heads up about the timing of releases like these.

[kavat]

Gosh darnit Dan is so lovely. That's it, that's the post.

[rizzo]

I just adored that interview. Dan's so happy. Dan's living his life open and proud and relieved and comfortable and...

[alittledizzy]

I don't have time to rewatch it now but the line about how he's just been living this life... got me. I'm just proud of him. For the life he led before coming out, with Phil, and for the life they're gonna get to lead together now.

also lmao dan:

[liola]

That was just lovely and he sounded so so happy and so soft. When he talked about his family, you can just tell how coming out made him feel more comfortable and safer around his family. And the "when are you getting a girlfriend" comment ended me lmao

Now when can I see Phil's face plis

[plinthofmylife]

Dan is so certain his fam-a-lam didn't know but I just... would be so surprised if they at least didn't...suspect. Not that that makes it any less terrifying.

Glad to hear that certain friends (I assume Bryony, Ian, Martyn, Cornelia) knew for a long time, and at least they weren't 100% closeted in their personal life (after Phil's video I'm not really surprised though.) I'm just happy they had friends and co-workers who knew.

I'm so proud of Dan and Phil and so happy to see Dan out and confident these days.

[Secretstanner]

This was so beautiful and what I wanted from when we first heard dan was doing this. I’m glad dan asked so we could see more. I was surprised that he had friends for 5 years and them not know. How private was their relationship? I’m wondering who these friends are maybe irl not people that are able to see mentions of their relationship? I dunno this makes me question a lot of things. Makes me sad. He said his parents had no idea? Really?

[plinthofmylife]

I was surprised that he had friends for 5 years and them not know.

I think the heteronormativity is strong.

I can imagine someone like Louise frankly, a friend but mostly a work-friend who doesn't see them very often, asking that. Or like people that worked with them at the BBC.

[formlessblobsunite]

oh, boy, I want to cry a little bit after watching that. my coming out has not been anywhere near as traumatic as his, but there are so many parallels I can draw and my heart aches for both of us. I'm still not out to my extended family or acquaintances from my childhood or at my work and the glass box Dan talked about is a painfully familiar thing. but I'm so endlessly glad for what he has achieved and where he is now and it gives me so much hope that when I turn 28 in a year and a half, I'll be where he is now. he seems so sincerely happy. I wish I could hug him right now.

[bevioletsky]

Dan is so certain his fam-a-lam didn't know but I just... would be so surprised if they at least didn't...suspect. Not that that makes it any less terrifying.

This this this, he speaks so certainly about how they had no idea and I find it so utterly baffling still. I wrote about this in a post after he published the video, of how they possibly couldn’t have known and whether or not it was more a case of just saying it (and a couple of lovely people expanded on that with their own experiences) and I figured that was most likely it but... I don’t know. Oh well, I’m glad things are as they are now in any case.

Overall that was very sweet and soft, it seemed like he enjoyed talking about all of it. Still quite cut down from the thirty-something minutes though, but much better than the two-minute version.

[Ataraxia25]

Dan is so certain his fam-a-lam didn't know but I just... would be so surprised if they at least didn't...suspect. Not that that makes it any less terrifying.

This this this, he speaks so certainly about how they had no idea and I find it so utterly baffling still. I wrote about this in a post after he published the video, of how they possibly couldn’t have known and whether or not it was more a case of just saying it (and a couple of lovely people expanded on that with their own experiences) and I figured that was most likely it but... I don’t know. Oh well, I’m glad things are as they are now in any case.

Overall that was very sweet and soft, it seemed like he enjoyed talking about all of it. Still quite cut down from the thirty-something minutes though, but much better than the two-minute version.

Same here. How could have they not know? Especially because from what we've seen (the messages he showed in his video) I feel like they at least suspected...

[flarequake]

That was lovely. So glad he’s done it and happier now

[pearshaped34]

Favorite quote thus far : "There were certain people in my life, that had no idea. I had friends that, honestly, would be like "so, are you going to get a girlfriend at some point?' and I'd be like 'so you have no idea' even though we'd been friends for 5 years"

While admittedly Dan would probably know better than me where his friends were at I can't help but wonder if these people were not as clueless as he thinks and just didn't dare to ask straight up if he is gay so did their fishing by asking about girlfriends.

I've witnessed people do this in real life where they speculate if someone is gay and then ask them questions about the opposite sex to see if they confirm anything either way.

[Megancita75]

Dan is so certain his fam-a-lam didn't know but I just... would be so surprised if they at least didn't...suspect. Not that that makes it any less terrifying.

This this this, he speaks so certainly about how they had no idea and I find it so utterly baffling still. I wrote about this in a post after he published the video, of how they possibly couldn’t have known and whether or not it was more a case of just saying it (and a couple of lovely people expanded on that with their own experiences) and I figured that was most likely it but... I don’t know. Oh well, I’m glad things are as they are now in any case.

Overall that was very sweet and soft, it seemed like he enjoyed talking about all of it. Still quite cut down from the thirty-something minutes though, but much better than the two-minute version.

So my guess is he feels confident saying this because he asked his family this same question after coming out. "Did you know? Did you suspect?" and they said no. Now, why they didn't know or suspect we can only speculate about, but I doubt Dan would be making this statement without confirming it with his family.

[knq]

It seems like Dan’s opinion on coming out has changed since posting BIG and coming out himself. In BIG he focused on reasons someone might not come out (career goals in a homophobic field) and respecting that, and while I’m sure he still believes that, in his interview with Ben he’s very much just like ‘you need to come out’ because it’s so worthwhile.

That makes me think he had the moment of serenity he talks about, and that the experience has been life affirming for him, and I’m so glad

Ben wrote that he can’t wait to see Dan again. I really like Ben and I hope he and Dan keep interacting!

On what Dan’s family did or didn’t know, I’d think that call he got from his mother after sending the email would have clarified for him if she did know. But ‘not knowing’ could mean they didn’t know he was gay because they thought he was bi/he told them he wasn’t gay at some point and they respected that. He didn’t say his family was asking about his future girlfriends, so there’s probably some nuance there.

[Catallena]

Ben is such a lovely person, but I still do wish that someone with better interviewing skills had done this. It was a major improvement compared to the super short cut version we got previously though, and I'm glad that we finally got to see it.

[bluecaterpillar]

okay well rip to the other 22 minutes of footage but wow i loved that and i'm emotional

- of course dan relates to a rainbow bin lorry lmao. i liked the brief rainbow capitalism discussion at the start. the fact that big companies now publicly acknowledge the lgbtq community does show the progress society has made over the last 50 years. but i don't see the rainbow marketing campaigns, in and of themselves, as inherently beneficial. the positive thing about it is what it says about society. if companies think they can sell more stuff, not less, through these inclusive marketing campaigns, it shows the shift in acceptance among the general public over the years. the problems begin where, as dan said, corporations don't actually do anything to support the community (including their lgbt employees) and essentially just use pride month to pay lip service. tldr, i am not completely opposed to everyone hopping on the rainbow train during pride month but i am sceptical of companies that do it unless i know their track record backs up their words.

- everything he said about the current 'debate' over teaching kids in school about the fact that lgbt people exist was spot on. i'm just going to quote it all here because it's a topic i think about a lot.

the entire argument from some people here is, 'let's just pretend that gay people don't exist,' or, 'let's just pretend that this child won't realise that they're trans when they get older.' and that is just denying reality. we're literally discussing the option of saying, 'let's just choose not to acknowledge that all these people exist, and to tell other people in their community to accept them.' and that's just completely ridiculous. because it's gonna happen. you know, people are going to grow up and they're going to be gay. some people are going to grow up and they're going to question their gender identity. so you have a choice, which is 'are these people going to be in accepting, loving environments, or are they not?'

when i was at primary school the lgbt community was never ever mentioned in any way, except once when my friend used the word gay as an insult and i had no idea what she meant by it. i didn't even know people could like the same gender until i was maybe twelve, and even then, being gay was something that was limited to a few designated celebrities like elton john, it wasn't something that i could see existing in my 'real world' of family and friends and school. which really slowed down the process of accepting that i was gay because i had only been shown gayness as something 'other' and not as part of regular society. decent lgbt education can't come fast enough tbh.

- i really relate to dan coming out via email so loved that he expanded on that. i texted my parents because i realised i wouldn't be able to get the words out in person. the first person i ever came out to was a friend, also via text, and him talking about it in the interview really brought back my own memories of pressing send and flinging the device across the room.

- interesting how he mentioned needing to come out to his mum and his grandma, but not his dad? makes me wonder if dan still speaks to his dad at all, especially given the very negative way he mentioned him in big.

anyways i'm so happy for him that he's found so much joy and relief through coming out! no more glass walls separating him from living as his authentic self

[firsttimeposter]

I imagine that dan was most chocked about people not realizing that he and phil were a couple, rather than them casually thinking he was attracted to girls. cause as he said, certain actions and words from him probably indicated to strangers and co-workers that he and phil were an item, rather than the fact that he likes boys, as a mention of that can go pretty unnoticed with a heteronormative mind.

I can’t IMAGINE a friend of dan’s (and I presume Phil’s) could’ve ignored all the signs and assumed that dan might get a gf haha. or perhaps the friend just didn’t wanna just to conclusions.

[snoopysadie]

Scary midterms are now over so hi (I know it isn't necessary to clarify but I feel rude not saying 'hi' so i'm gonna go along with this).

Dip and pip are certified fish daddies now <-- that's a lovely emoji btw thank you so much.

That Dan pic with the doggo... bless. However, I find it hilarious to think that, contrary to what some stupid-ass people have said in social media since pride month, even though Dan and Phil have never queerbaited us and never would, I enjoy the dog content so much and I want them to have a dog and be happy so badly that I feel like every picture they post with dogs nowadays, even if it brings me life and makes me want to cry, because it's not them getting a dog my first thought is to see it as 'dogbaiting'.
I know that sounds ridiculous and I actually LOVE those pictures, I just get jumpy every time I see a dog on their instagrams because I'm waiting for the moment they get it so expectantly that when it's obvious it's not theirs I feel like they're teasing me. I do love them though. And if the dog pictures stopped I would be sad.

On another note, I feel like even though Dan hasn't uploaded since BIG the vidcon video and this interview today were "kind of" like two dinof videos. I loved them by the way. I never thought I would see dan actually reacting to Hello Internet again since we made him cry in the memes video... I'm glad Vidcon forced him, I enjoyed his pain very much indeed.

This happened forever ago but I would LOVE for them to do a charity thing, either a livestream or some kind of event. I would watch them eat cereal and barely talk for 4 hours and find a way to pay for it.

Finally, I just checked the date and we're almost through the first of the week of September, which means we have a month and two weeks before the big 1 0 happens and I don't know about you but the queer fear in me is rising when I think about that. This year has been so fun of surprises that I... idk. Even if we got radio silence from them for 24 hours THAT WOULD TELL ME SOMETHING AS WELL.
If they haven't sat down to discuss what comes next and what to do with the youtube channel, maybe they'll do it before then? Or mukbang then? Or they'll disappear for a few days because, cough cough, it IS ten years of marriage friendship

[autumnhearth]

So that was nice and all but I still don’t like Ben’s editing. I seriously thought I was late to the video already in progress, because it felt like they were mid-conversation with the pride merch. He seems like a nice guy and I’m glad he’s got this steady gig but step it up a notch man.

As a mother I can not fathom not recognizing your son being in a ten year life partnership. Was she that out of touch or just too afraid to ask? Had he lied to his family early on or were they really that clueless?

[lefthandedism]

A lot of families are built on elaborate edifices of not lies exactly, but tacitly agreed-to fictions. This may sound like a negative thing, but sometimes it's best all around not to get into issues if no one thinks there is any real benefit to do so.

I trained my family early on to never ask me about my love life. So they recruited my sister's best friend to ask me about it in my sister's hearing every Christmas lol. That was a low-stress approach that worked for everyone until I decided I had a relationship that I wanted to formalize with respect to my family.

I'm sure Dan's family had a very good guess as to both his sexuality and his relationship with Phil. And I can also see them pretending they hadn't known when he told them as a way of protecting that family edifice after the fact. Dan did say he didn't like people saying "we been knew", and maybe his mother just preferred to say she had no idea rather than get into a discussion of who thought what when that would be unhelpful and possibly embarassing.

(As a mother as well, I also can't imagine being totally clueless, but I can imagine deciding not to ask.)

[itasca00]

It's nice to hear Dan expand on some of the things he mentioned in "Basically I'm Gay," and it's interesting to hear his perspectives on some LGBT+ issues. Here are my timestamps:

• [0:00] Dan discusses the corporate displays of support for the LGBT+ community during pride month. He says that companies need to be held accountable for their past and present anti-LGBT+ actions, but the public displays of support shouldn’t be taken for granted. He also discusses how he prefers the monochromatic aesthetic to rainbows.
• [1:27] Dan explains why the debate in England about whether LGBT+-inclusive education should be taught in schools is ridiculous.
• [2:11] Dan is asked whether he feels that he provides the LGBT+ education that some schools won’t, and he says that he does insofar as kids these days turn to the internet and social media to find communities where they can talk and learn about their sexuality and gender identity.
• [3:02] Dan is asked how it makes him feel that he’s providing LGBT+ education. He says that it’s overwhelming. He says that he’s made a lot of mistakes, and he’s happy if young people can learn from his mistakes when he talks about them online.
• [3:43] Dan is asked what it was like hitting upload on “Basically I’m Gay.” He says it was overwhelming. However, it wasn’t a moment of big emotional relief but rather a moment of complete exhaustion as if he had just completed running a marathon.
• [4:16] Dan is asked what it was like seeing the reactions to his video. He says it was hard for him to guess how it would be received or how many people would care. Knowing he had a large, supportive audience, he knew the video would get a lot of love, but he didn’t realize that so many people would watch it. He didn’t know how interesting a coming out video would be in 2019.
• [5:10] Dan is asked how it makes him feel that the video has been so successful. He says it makes him happy because he worked so hard on it for so long. He says he made the video partially for himself but also to try to change people’s perspectives and have an impact on people’s lives.
• [5:46] Dan is asked what it was like being closeted.

  D: It is bizarre for me because it feels like my whole life I’ve just had this glass wall in front of me. And so much of my personality, so much of my life--especially with me being a comedian on the internet with so many followers, people feel like they know me so well, and they do, but there’s this one big part of it that was just this murky--you know, like a mirror covered with fog. And it’s just now there’s--there’s nothing--there’s no obstacles in my life anymore. I literally feel like I’ve been walking around in a glass box. Even though people could see through it, and now it’s for the first time I’m actually walking around open in the world. So just emotionally, just as a person existing in this world, it feels completely different now that it’s just not--I’m not holding this big secret anymore.

• [6:39] Dan is asked why it took so long for him to come out.

  D: Part of it was that a lot of people in my life knew. You know, I had friends, I had, you know, random strangers, people that I worked with. A lot of people kind of saw things I said and did and had an idea, but I wasn’t clear about it. But then there were certain people in my life that had no idea. I had friends that honestly would be like, “So are you gonna get a girlfriend at some point?” And I’d be like, “So you have no idea even though we’ve been friends for five years.” And my family--literally they--they didn’t know. And, you know, I was 27, and I just hadn’t told my family at all yet. So it didn’t matter if I was living this life because my family had literally no idea at all. So for me, this wasn’t just: Oh, I’m going to write a funny comedy video about coming out and being gay. It’s: To make this video, I’m going to have to confront all of these things that I’ve been putting off my entire life. I realized I have to come out to my family before I do this, and I think it took me about six months of actively trying just to muster up the courage. I thought I was gonna do it at Christmas. I was thinking Boxing Day.
  
  B: Really?
  
  D: Going ‘round the--Yeah, yeah, not to be dramatic or anything. I thought, you know, Boxing Day--day after Christmas. Don’t want to make it all about me on Christmas dinner. I’m not--I’m not gonna do it, like, cutting in the turkey: “I’m gay everybody.” ‘Cause that--you know, no need to be that theatrical. I thought, you know, Boxing Day, having some nibbles, wait for an awkward silence, and then just, you know, calmly do it.
  
  B: “Just so you know…”
  
  D: And, you know, my family situation--I feel quite lucky because, you know, it’s--The world is a very different place to what it was fifteen years ago. I didn’t know how I felt. You know, when I was a young teenager, I didn’t want to tell anyone about this. I felt that times have changed enough, that I know my family well enough that I felt in that moment they wouldn’t reject me in a violent way. I thought it may be--it will be a bit awkward. It’s just going to be a shock when you tell people, you know, anything about your sexuality. I wasn’t expecting any real bad reaction, but it was just terrifying. Because just being so emotionally vulnerable, telling them something about me that I can’t change and then seeing whether in that moment they choose to accept it or not is--that’s terrifying. That’s what it is about coming out. It’s--you’re telling the world: This is a part of me that I can’t change, and you might just not accept it. And then what do you do in that situation, especially if it’s your family? And like I said, I--I felt like they were going to react well, but it was still terrifying. So I just--I couldn’t. And then I tried again when it was my mum’s birthday in February, actually.
  
  B: Her birthday! You love the drama. Gosh!
  
  D: Yeah, I--again, I’m just trying to ruin everything. Yeah, but every time--three or four times I saw my family, I was like: And *deep inhale* no, it’s not happening. And it got to the point where I was like: This is actually starting to--this is going to be ridiculous. This is going to be four and a half years before I can tell anybody this thing just ‘cause I can’t tell my mum and my grandma. So then I did the most awkward, on-brand thing for me, um, which was to just tell them in an email
  
  B: What?
  
  D: LIt--Yeah, I literally just emailed my family because it got so ridiculous. It went on for so long, and I was just too scared. So I literally sent them an email, and I was like, “Basically, I’m gay.” And then I just went “send.” And then I thought, Look, this is just the start of the conversation. I’m sure we’ll go on about this, but I just need to rip the plaster off.
  
  B: Yes.
  
  D: And that was the terrifying moment. So I know it’s weird, and I know it makes me this awkward--and, you know, I owed it to my family to give them a real moment, but I just couldn’t care any longer.

• [10:00] The interviewer (Ben Hunte) says that it’s interesting that there’s this Hollywood dream that coming out is sitting down with your family and telling them your secret as you’re holding each other’s hands and crying. Dan says that that’s not him, and Ben agrees that it’s not most people. Dan continues saying that his way of coming out by email worked. As he said before, it was indeed just the start of the conversation. He got a call from his mom later. Because of the way he had been conditioned by society, Dan didn’t feel like he could talk to his family about being gay. He just carried it inside him and lived with a secret until he was 27.
• [11:11] Dan is asked what he would say to people who are 27+ who haven’t come out yet.

  D: I’d say that, firstly, you’ve got to be authentic in your life. If you--if you really want to be happy, if you want that moment of serenity where you can just deeply exhale and go This is who I am. This is fine. At some point, you need to come out. And that’s a hard thing to say to people because based on people’s life experiences, it might be difficult. You might think that people in your life will reject you. You could lose your job. You might be in danger depending on the environment that you’re in. But I just say you need to do everything you can to get to a place where you can be who you are, and you have people in your life that love you for that person. Because when you say, “You know what? It’s fine. I--I can just get on with it. It’s okay as it is even if I’m lying about this one thing,” it--it’s not. So I--you know, it’s hard, and that’s the thing. It--It’s so easy to say, “Just come out! That’s the answer. It will be fine.” And I think we both know that’s not how it works. But y--you just have to. You know, it was the struggle for me for 27 years. People look at me and they’re like, okay. I’m a--a white, able-bodied gayboy from a relatively middle class background that now, age 27, has this incredibly successful career in life, and it was still torture for me. So, you know, if it was this hard for me, then you can’t imagine how hard it would be for everyone else.

• [12:37] To close the video, Dan makes a motion his hands with a very cute expression on his face.