Intro Banter
D: Starting by the sea. This is the first show in the whole darn tour.
P: So if the entire set falls on top of us, that was totally meant to happen.
D: And you can be like, I was here when Phil fell in this hole, broke both his legs, and then the tour was canceled. It was a great one show they did.
P: That is a large hole. But we were in the hotel and I was looking out of the hotel at three o'clock in the morning and I saw a shadow and I was like, is that a person, is there a person, is there a person looking through the window. Pulled back the curtain - it was a seagull staring me in the face.
D: That's creepy.
P: It just let out the most sinister [honk]. What are you trying to communicate with me here?
D: [??] seagull honking at you.
P: It was not good.
D: That's an omen if I've ever heard one.
P: That was a slight open.
D: I'm sure this will be fine.
P: It was a lucky seagull.
P: So if the entire set falls on top of us, that was totally meant to happen.
D: And you can be like, I was here when Phil fell in this hole, broke both his legs, and then the tour was canceled. It was a great one show they did.
P: That is a large hole. But we were in the hotel and I was looking out of the hotel at three o'clock in the morning and I saw a shadow and I was like, is that a person, is there a person, is there a person looking through the window. Pulled back the curtain - it was a seagull staring me in the face.
D: That's creepy.
P: It just let out the most sinister [honk]. What are you trying to communicate with me here?
D: [??] seagull honking at you.
P: It was not good.
D: That's an omen if I've ever heard one.
P: That was a slight open.
D: I'm sure this will be fine.
P: It was a lucky seagull.
Phil's question: What does Phil dream of at night?
D: Apparently seagulls honking at him on the-
P: It was real! I swear!
- bathing in stolen cereal
P: I would probably have finished the cereal in the dream before I could bathe in it.
D: Can we - can we establish if these are nightmares or good dreams? Like eating my cereal and getting away with it.
P: I think that would be a good dream.
D: That's the kind of person that Phil is.
P: Happens very rarely.
- thirsty plants
D: Oh god, that keeps you up at night.
P: They're way beyond thirsty, guys.
D: They are crispy af. There is no coming back. Like right now, they are in our apartment dying as we sleep. Every day the tour continues the crispier they get. They're going to be dust by the time we get back.
- frolicking in a field of corgis
P: Yes. Now that's what I'm talking about.
D: See, Mykala was nice. Those other two people, they had the opportunity and they were like - roast! But Mykala- there is hope-
P: Gave me the corgis!
Phil's chosen answer: Thirsty houseplants.
Dan's question: What job would Dan have if youtube didn't exist?
D: Whoa. Implying there's an answer to that, right guys? Okay. Let's see what you said.
- a lawyer
D: Oh, really? Really? Oh yeah, lets remind me of the time where I just got some student debt and then quit. Yeah, good times. I am a wonderful role model.
- an axe salesman
P: I don't think they'd allow you back, would they, after you sold an axe to an eight year old.
D: Yes okay just in case anyone didn't instantly laugh remind them that I got fired for selling an axe to an eight year old at Focus. Yes I was a very intelligent teenager.
P: Did they have a stick on mustache, was that it?
[they both do fake 'hello' voices]
D: Look, I thought there was a woman behind him, I was too awkward to do anything, so I let him buy the axe and I got fired.
- a failed poet
D: Jesus Christ. Okay well this has been wonderful-
P: You've got a way with words.
D: I think the closest I'm actually doing now is failing at being poetic.
Dan's chosen answer: Failed poet.
Joint Dan and Phil question: What would a documentary about their lives be called?
D: This is open ended. Right.
- two men, one cereal box
P: It's not a lie, is it? Why don't we just buy more boxes of cereal?
D: Look, when you buy a family pack of Crunchy Nut one person that's like five kilograms one person - it's not even designed for it to be snarfed by one guy.
P: Please do not google that.
D: That's a website. Right.
- don't worry, we're not dead
P: That would be a good one for you.
D: That's my youtube channel, isn't it? It's like, it's been two months, what up remember me? Oh wow I thought they unsubscribed you from dead people's channels.
P: You should get a new banner that just says that and then everyone will be fine.
D: Don't worry, not dead.
- was this a good idea?
P: I feel like I'm gonna be saying that a lot.
D: Literally me right now. I'm not even joking.
Their chosen answer: Two men, one cereal box.
D: Apparently seagulls honking at him on the-
P: It was real! I swear!
- bathing in stolen cereal
P: I would probably have finished the cereal in the dream before I could bathe in it.
D: Can we - can we establish if these are nightmares or good dreams? Like eating my cereal and getting away with it.
P: I think that would be a good dream.
D: That's the kind of person that Phil is.
P: Happens very rarely.
- thirsty plants
D: Oh god, that keeps you up at night.
P: They're way beyond thirsty, guys.
D: They are crispy af. There is no coming back. Like right now, they are in our apartment dying as we sleep. Every day the tour continues the crispier they get. They're going to be dust by the time we get back.
- frolicking in a field of corgis
P: Yes. Now that's what I'm talking about.
D: See, Mykala was nice. Those other two people, they had the opportunity and they were like - roast! But Mykala- there is hope-
P: Gave me the corgis!
Phil's chosen answer: Thirsty houseplants.
Dan's question: What job would Dan have if youtube didn't exist?
D: Whoa. Implying there's an answer to that, right guys? Okay. Let's see what you said.
- a lawyer
D: Oh, really? Really? Oh yeah, lets remind me of the time where I just got some student debt and then quit. Yeah, good times. I am a wonderful role model.
- an axe salesman
P: I don't think they'd allow you back, would they, after you sold an axe to an eight year old.
D: Yes okay just in case anyone didn't instantly laugh remind them that I got fired for selling an axe to an eight year old at Focus. Yes I was a very intelligent teenager.
P: Did they have a stick on mustache, was that it?
[they both do fake 'hello' voices]
D: Look, I thought there was a woman behind him, I was too awkward to do anything, so I let him buy the axe and I got fired.
- a failed poet
D: Jesus Christ. Okay well this has been wonderful-
P: You've got a way with words.
D: I think the closest I'm actually doing now is failing at being poetic.
Dan's chosen answer: Failed poet.
Joint Dan and Phil question: What would a documentary about their lives be called?
D: This is open ended. Right.
- two men, one cereal box
P: It's not a lie, is it? Why don't we just buy more boxes of cereal?
D: Look, when you buy a family pack of Crunchy Nut one person that's like five kilograms one person - it's not even designed for it to be snarfed by one guy.
P: Please do not google that.
D: That's a website. Right.
- don't worry, we're not dead
P: That would be a good one for you.
D: That's my youtube channel, isn't it? It's like, it's been two months, what up remember me? Oh wow I thought they unsubscribed you from dead people's channels.
P: You should get a new banner that just says that and then everyone will be fine.
D: Don't worry, not dead.
- was this a good idea?
P: I feel like I'm gonna be saying that a lot.
D: Literally me right now. I'm not even joking.
Their chosen answer: Two men, one cereal box.
- What would you save from a burning building? “my friends” or “my phone” (10% said phone)
- Do you like audience participation? “Heck yes” or “hell naw” (60% said no, 40% said yes)
- Do you feel like you really know Dan and Phil? “Yes” or “no” or “who are Dan and Phil?” (75% of people said yes, 20% said no, 5% said “who are Dan and Phil?”)
- What is your favorite Dan and Phil video series? “Pinof, ditl, sims, baking, dapc” (20% said pinof, 20% said ditl, 40% said dapc)
- If you had to sacrifice one of us, which would you pick: Dan or Phil? Whoever was chosen gets strapped to the “wheel of death.”
- Do you like audience participation? “Heck yes” or “hell naw” (60% said no, 40% said yes)
- Do you feel like you really know Dan and Phil? “Yes” or “no” or “who are Dan and Phil?” (75% of people said yes, 20% said no, 5% said “who are Dan and Phil?”)
- What is your favorite Dan and Phil video series? “Pinof, ditl, sims, baking, dapc” (20% said pinof, 20% said ditl, 40% said dapc)
- If you had to sacrifice one of us, which would you pick: Dan or Phil? Whoever was chosen gets strapped to the “wheel of death.”
D: We asked you guys to give us words that represent good or bad things, and what we will do now is try to convince you in my case that terrible things are good and in Phil’s case that bad things are the opposite. And this’ll show that if we can do it, well maybe we’re supposed to be these opposite selves. And if we’re terrible, you know, me - the dark depressing Daniel I’m supposed to be and this whole thing is a disaster.
Dan’s first one: memes
(Them realizing that they did it the wrong way round.)
Dan’s actual first one: exams
Phil - deluxe hot chocolates
Dan - stepping on a lego
Phil - world peace
Psychic Connections round - word: insects:
P: Dragonflies
D: Bees
(Between each round they turn up the power.)
Level Two: Phantastic Phacts
P: Dan, if Phil could have a superpower what would it be?
D: Flight.
P: No! I would want to stop time, because I never have enough time to do anything.
D: Phil, If Dan could live in another country where would he live? Okay, okay… I’m pretty sure this is a conversation we’ve had a few times.
P: We have had this conversation… Canada.
D: Damnit, you’re right!
Level Three: Dan, Phil, or a Rat
This is too dumb, I’m not transcribing it. Phil gets one wrong, then Dan gets one right.
P: The finger is in the red.
D: We practice the show for like two weeks, and then you come on stage and you say so many weird things.
Final Round: Dan and Phil Dilemmas
P: (to Dan) Phil stops stealing your food, but Dan can’t eat chocolate anymore ever.
D: (picks the chocolate)
D: (to Phil) All of your dead houseplants would back to life, but Dan can’t wear black again.
P: I want you to embrace different colors, so I think this would be a good thing.
D: I like that I could never wear black again ever, just for a few houseplants.
P: Dragonflies
D: Bees
(Between each round they turn up the power.)
Level Two: Phantastic Phacts
P: Dan, if Phil could have a superpower what would it be?
D: Flight.
P: No! I would want to stop time, because I never have enough time to do anything.
D: Phil, If Dan could live in another country where would he live? Okay, okay… I’m pretty sure this is a conversation we’ve had a few times.
P: We have had this conversation… Canada.
D: Damnit, you’re right!
Level Three: Dan, Phil, or a Rat
This is too dumb, I’m not transcribing it. Phil gets one wrong, then Dan gets one right.
P: The finger is in the red.
D: We practice the show for like two weeks, and then you come on stage and you say so many weird things.
Final Round: Dan and Phil Dilemmas
P: (to Dan) Phil stops stealing your food, but Dan can’t eat chocolate anymore ever.
D: (picks the chocolate)
D: (to Phil) All of your dead houseplants would back to life, but Dan can’t wear black again.
P: I want you to embrace different colors, so I think this would be a good thing.
D: I like that I could never wear black again ever, just for a few houseplants.
What is a moment of your life you would change, and why?
D: I would go back to when I was a sperm and I would just turn left and avoid this whole mess.
P: No you wouldn’t! Really, that is your answer?
D: I’d just slow down. I’d be like, I don’t want to run today, I can’t be bothered. You guys are so eager, you go for it.
P: Well. I think what I would say- I was not expecting you to say-
D: I’m joking, I’m joking. What would you say, Phil?
P: Well, I think definitely like I was saying earlier, I would have changed my hair a lot earlier. I think you would have seen that in like 2017.
D: The timeline that we could be living in.
P: A butterfly flaps its wings, there’s a hurricane in Phil’s forehead.
D: Something like that, you guys.
P: But yeah that’s what I would do.
D: I would actually not choose a law degree. Because the thing is, like, I think there’s another universe where I could have done it but I was just thinking - I have to do a degree that’s like, a sensible thing so I can get a job, and I didn’t think about how that actually had to be my life for three years.
P: I was kind of the same, though. I chose English because all my english teachers were like, yes, this is something you need to do. I really wanted to do media and video editing.
D: If you did that knowing now, you’d be so much better at editing. Okay, I”m not saying he’s bad at editing.
P: That’s why I went back. Because I needed to learn the thing I wanted to learn originally.
D: And that post production masters that gave us miracles like The Basket, and Dan and Phil Crafts. So that’s good - [crowd reacts, assuming that's a drag] no, that’s what I actually (?? say?).
P: No you wouldn’t! Really, that is your answer?
D: I’d just slow down. I’d be like, I don’t want to run today, I can’t be bothered. You guys are so eager, you go for it.
P: Well. I think what I would say- I was not expecting you to say-
D: I’m joking, I’m joking. What would you say, Phil?
P: Well, I think definitely like I was saying earlier, I would have changed my hair a lot earlier. I think you would have seen that in like 2017.
D: The timeline that we could be living in.
P: A butterfly flaps its wings, there’s a hurricane in Phil’s forehead.
D: Something like that, you guys.
P: But yeah that’s what I would do.
D: I would actually not choose a law degree. Because the thing is, like, I think there’s another universe where I could have done it but I was just thinking - I have to do a degree that’s like, a sensible thing so I can get a job, and I didn’t think about how that actually had to be my life for three years.
P: I was kind of the same, though. I chose English because all my english teachers were like, yes, this is something you need to do. I really wanted to do media and video editing.
D: If you did that knowing now, you’d be so much better at editing. Okay, I”m not saying he’s bad at editing.
P: That’s why I went back. Because I needed to learn the thing I wanted to learn originally.
D: And that post production masters that gave us miracles like The Basket, and Dan and Phil Crafts. So that’s good - [crowd reacts, assuming that's a drag] no, that’s what I actually (?? say?).
D: Service-
P: Surface.
D: For service I had an idea. It’s Dan strapped to a giant fan. The fan looks like a wheel. The wheel is spinning. He wants to give service to the fan, and it’s causing him to bleed and die.
P: Wow. That’s like the wheel of death from earlier.
D: Yes. Yes that’s literally what I’m saying.
P: --- oh. I get it now.
D: Are you joking? [in the cutest high pitched voice earlier]
P: Surface. I’m obsessed with space, so I want you to find another solar system out there.
D: Why are you - why do you want to eject our galaxy-
P: No!
D: Is this what you think of -
P: Sometimes I look at those weird websites like, you could go to Mars and you could stay there forever.
D: Phil’s like, sign me up. Bye!
P: Two percent of me is curious.
D: So, okay. Dan strapped to a fan in space. That was helpful!
P: Surface.
D: For service I had an idea. It’s Dan strapped to a giant fan. The fan looks like a wheel. The wheel is spinning. He wants to give service to the fan, and it’s causing him to bleed and die.
P: Wow. That’s like the wheel of death from earlier.
D: Yes. Yes that’s literally what I’m saying.
P: --- oh. I get it now.
D: Are you joking? [in the cutest high pitched voice earlier]
P: Surface. I’m obsessed with space, so I want you to find another solar system out there.
D: Why are you - why do you want to eject our galaxy-
P: No!
D: Is this what you think of -
P: Sometimes I look at those weird websites like, you could go to Mars and you could stay there forever.
D: Phil’s like, sign me up. Bye!
P: Two percent of me is curious.
D: So, okay. Dan strapped to a fan in space. That was helpful!
D: Ooh. Wait, does anyone here relate to having more irl friends than internet friends, or do you have more twitter followers than you know people in real life? I mean, I - I have one friend, it’s Phil. They’re saying aw - it’s so sad.
P: I think what I would say is if you do have a hobby, like if watching youtubers is your hobby, if you can and have the means you can go to one of the youtube conventions where there’s loads of people who are all into the same thing. Or tonight - you’re sat in a group-
D: This is literally what’s happening right now. [??] Shiba Inus, tall nerds-
P: And all that would take is saying hey, what’s your twitter handle, we could follow each other or something like that.
D: You’d have more in common than anyone I went to school with for like eight years immediately.
P: I’m just saying, that might be a good one. That’s the thing, when I went to university I was like, I was I’d joined more societies and got to do more things like that because uh, when you’ve got mutual interests with someone, so much more chance you’re gonna be friends with them. Rather than if you’re just shoved into a random university house. So I should have joined film club or something.
D: You should have joined film club and then made whatever - what would you make a movie about?
P: Dunno, some kind of hamster documentary… [crowd reacts] Not a hamster. I’m sorry.
D: I was about to say, but that’s how awesome this community is, it’s so many people they make friends, they know each other and that’s just the greatest thing, and then you ruined it by [??] the hamster fic. I liked that-
P: Yeah!
D: I would say I like that because it gave us the opportunity to connect and gain some perspective on this whole thing.
P: I think what I would say is if you do have a hobby, like if watching youtubers is your hobby, if you can and have the means you can go to one of the youtube conventions where there’s loads of people who are all into the same thing. Or tonight - you’re sat in a group-
D: This is literally what’s happening right now. [??] Shiba Inus, tall nerds-
P: And all that would take is saying hey, what’s your twitter handle, we could follow each other or something like that.
D: You’d have more in common than anyone I went to school with for like eight years immediately.
P: I’m just saying, that might be a good one. That’s the thing, when I went to university I was like, I was I’d joined more societies and got to do more things like that because uh, when you’ve got mutual interests with someone, so much more chance you’re gonna be friends with them. Rather than if you’re just shoved into a random university house. So I should have joined film club or something.
D: You should have joined film club and then made whatever - what would you make a movie about?
P: Dunno, some kind of hamster documentary… [crowd reacts] Not a hamster. I’m sorry.
D: I was about to say, but that’s how awesome this community is, it’s so many people they make friends, they know each other and that’s just the greatest thing, and then you ruined it by [??] the hamster fic. I liked that-
P: Yeah!
D: I would say I like that because it gave us the opportunity to connect and gain some perspective on this whole thing.