Truth Bombs
Dan's question: What animal does Dan remind you of?
D: Cool. Okay.
P: Ooh.
D: Like, a really cute dog? I dunno. Right. Let’s--Let’s see what they said. I’m ready. [unintelligible] Let’s see.
P: I think this is gonna be three rats.
(Aww, Dan!
)
Wholesome Howell and X-Rated Lester
Dan - being moist
D: Why would you make us read that? What is--Okay, look. Look. Being moist is totally a good thing. Okay. Because you might feel sweaty and gross but at least your skin is hydrated. Okay? Right. You know?
If you’re--If you’re moist, it means that if you got a friend that needs a drink, you just go, “Hey, like, suck on my hair.” There we go. That’s it. And look. Look. Back in the day, I don’t know how I--”No. Moisture get away from me.” But, in the moist climate of Mumbai, curly haired Dan is thriving. Okay. So you know what? I say: Asia might be moist, but Dan likes being moist. So there we go.
Dan - a plague wiping out humanity
D: What is wrong with you? Okay. Uh--Ac--Mmm. Actually, I think that would definitely be a good thing. Okay. No, no, no. Hear me out. Hear me out. What is the worst thing about the planet earth? Humanity. Alright. Exactly! We have been really civilized for so long, and look what we’ve done to the place. We’re polluting the oceans. We’re killing all the animals. I say: The sooner a plague comes along and wipes out all the humans and then leaves the planet to the dogs, the better the world will be.
So, plague, if you’re out there floating through the air, I say, “Nibble me, Daddy. I am ready to kick this [unintelligible]” Thank you. [unintelligible] Bye.
P: You can have it. Never say, “Nibble me, Daddy,” to a plague...ever again.
D: I don’t feel like I will say the phrase, “Nibble me, Daddy,” ever again, but okay. You never know.
P: Right.
D: You never know.
P: Last one.
D: It was actually, “Nibble me, Daddy. Let’s get this party started.” So that’s a very specific phrase.
P: Stop it.
D: But you never--That’s all I’m saying. Okay, right.
Friendship Test
Dan and Phil Dilemmas
Dan's dilemma: Phil is now a pro footballer, but Dan’s feet are five times bigger.
D: Are you kidding me? My--I would have actual clown shoes!
P: But, Dan, I’d be actually good at a sport!
D: Let--Pfff. Okay. What would you do as a professional footballer?
P: I could be like David Beckham. Just--
D: Okay. Right. Right. No, no. Right. If I had really long, freaky feet, none of these people would be here right now.
P: They would!
D: Okay. Maybe, like, two of them would, but no. The rest of them: They would be scared. They wouldn’t love me anymore.
P: I mean, your toes would be poking the front row if you’re stood there.
D: No, okay. Look. Let’s be real. If I had feet that were five times longer, would you all still love me?
*audience screams*
D: *high voice* Really?
*audience screams again*
P: Are you gonna let me be a footballer or not?
D: I can’t say no after they just said that! Fine! I’ll do it! You can be a professional footballer.
P: Aww.
D: Okay.
P: Yes!
D: *high voice* I’ve never felt more accepted in my entire life *normal voice* with my giant feet. Okay, right.
P: Okay.
D: That’s so weird.
(Again: Aww, Dan!
)