trashqueen wrote:...i am 100% down for someone who uses the split attraction model and isn't ace/aro to come and explain me their point of view because this is one of the few lgbt related topics i don't have a strong opinion on...
hi hi hello
I'm inclined to believe Emma, because from my own biased perspective I can understand it. I am someone who has experienced being
in love with a few different women. It was a very strong, real and
romantic feeling - and had all the traditional hallmarks of
love. When I have been in love with men it has felt
identical to the way I felt about these few women. However, despite this I still very rarely feel sexually attracted to women - even when I can see that aesthetically/objectively they are beautiful by society's standards. Some of the women I was in love with I didn't find sexy to the same extent that I find men sexy - I don't know whether that is something that would have developed if we had had a relationship or not. But at the moment, I can count on one hand the number of times I've found women sexually attractive, but I can't count on any number of hands how many times I've found men sexually attractive because it's truly countless
I guess what I am trying to say is - I've had these experiences of strong romantic feelings for women which are accompanied by very little, if any, sexual attraction. One woman in particular, who I pretty much told in the end that I was in love with her, I've never felt anything like that before - not even with a guy - not to get sappy but it was pretty amazing.
I recently discovered the label 'biromantic heterosexual' and it was useful to me in thinking about these experiences. Because when I use the label 'straight' it doesn't seem to take them into account, it just denies them, defines them as platonic or not real - which mitigates their importance. I feel like I want a label that can recognize how important these experiences were for me, not just deny they ever happened. And to answer your question, yes, the love I felt for women was
very gay - I'm not afraid of that, I'm trying to recognize it.
The reason I don't identify as bisexual is because I feel so little sexual attraction to women I feel like it would be almost dishonest, it wouldn't be fair to people who are bisexual in the full sense of the word, it would almost water down the label. Because I believe bisexual implies romantic AND sexual attraction - not just sexual attraction. But to me the sexual attraction to both genders is part of what bisexual means. Bisexual as in - sexual
AND romantic attraction to both genders. But if I was in a room and I said I was bisexual people would assume I was sexually and romantically attracted to women - which is not quite accurate. And if I was in a room and I said I was straight and then I started talking about how I was in love with my former close friend people just dismiss those feelings as if they didn't matter - but they did matter, a lot!
Here is my previous post on the issue anyway for anyone interested (trigger warning - Onision):
http://indepthbants.com/post31243.html#p31243
But my views have evolved since then, as I now realize that the 'biromantic heterosexual' label may be inherently problematic because it's co-opting labels created by and for the asexual community - obviously I don't want to be part of that problem. So at the moment I am sticking with straight but I still feel dissatisfied with this, as I feel like it encourages me, and encourages others to ignore and deny feelings I've had in the past for women.
Bottom line: I understand Emma's position, and from my biased representation-seeking position I believe her. But I'm not in her shoes, I don't know what she thinks and feels, so I don't know whether she really is attracted to girls or not. But if she says she is, I'm inclined to believe her, even if she says in general she doesn't feel like she wants to have sex with them in the same way she does men. Sex isn't everything
I don't know if Emma is aware of the problems with the 'biromantic heterosexual' label though since she posted this:
Sorry for wall of text
And I also was expecting her to come out as bisexual, so this definitely was unexpected. Maybe this is just her trying to come to terms with her sexuality. Or maybe she really is biromantic but thought that hinting at being bisexual would make it easier to come out... It's hard to know with her, she could be 100% straight and doing all of this for views, for all we know.
